#its very important to me that they get up at 6am to go on very long walks

[caterpillarinacave]

i have. such strong feelings. very specifically about Matthew Fairchild, his little sister, and both of their dogs.

[kurthorton]

have to work when im tired and in a bad mood hate this

[buckymorelikefuckme]

and baby makes three

(the reboot)

bucky barnes x fem reader

words: 11.3k

warnings: **18+ ONLY** friends to lovers, pining, smut, oral (f receiving), breeding kink, pregnancy kink, cockwarming (kind of??), trigger warning for having troubles with getting pregnant. it's still super fuckin soft despite all of that though, i swear.

a/n: okay so it's currently 6am as i'm typing this and i haven't been to sleep yet bc i decided to just heavily edit this instead of rewrite it bc i'm lazy i guess idk. this was posted originally back in 2021 i believe and it's still on ao3 it's just orphaned rip. i promise i'll be writing and posting new stuff soon ok pls have faith in me and cheer me on bc it's hard and scary and i don't wanna disappoint anybody :( ANYWAY, as usual, any and all mistakes are my own. if i've missed anything important pls let me know so i can correct it. feedback is encouraged (pls) and appreciated (i am begging...)

The idea of you having a child one day always seemed foreign and very unlikely. Sure, you liked kids well enough, but having one of your own…

It’s a thought that’s sat in a corner deep in your mind, buried beneath a million other impossible concepts; a thought that you’ve only ever glanced over and never gave your full attention, having ruled it out ages ago as something you just couldn’t—or wouldn’t—do.

And then, on a day like any other, it pushes its way to the forefront of your mind, making itself known and unwilling to leave.

You’re going into the clothing store to find a new cardigan after your most favorite one got eaten by the dryer. Usually you’re a single-minded shopper, walking into a store with tunnel vision and on a mission to get what you need and that’s it.

Today, however, you make the mistake of letting your eyes wander on your way to the sweater section. Your gaze just so happens to land on the baby clothes… and your steps falter. It’s there that you see it, a tiny, pink onesie with a sleeping teddy bear printed on the front, displayed on an even tinier hanger. There’s matching pants with teddy bears all over them and ruffles on the butt and all your brain can muster up is cutecutecutecutecute.

Your feet carry you closer and before you realize what you’re doing you pick up the outfit, letting out a coo when you realize the teddy bear is fuzzy, softly rubbing your thumb across it. Somehow, you walk out of the store, not with a new cardigan, but with the cute baby outfit and a bow you thought looked adorable with it.

It’s not until you get home that it hits you, that you bought baby clothes for a baby you don’t even have.

The feeling that rushes through you is hard to describe. Shame? Embarrassment?

...Yearning?

No. Definitely not. Nope.

There’s absolutely no yearning going on here, not for a baby. You’ve never even had that desire before and you certainly don’t see yourself having it now. You shake your head to clear it, telling yourself you’ll take it back tomorrow.

Except you don’t take it back. You conveniently “forget” and it stays shoved on the top shelf in your hall closet. You pretend you don’t pause in front of said closet throughout the following days—weeks—chewing on the inside of your cheek and staring at the door like you can see through the wood at the evidence of your impulsive purchase.

It gets harder to ignore, though, when you start getting ads for baby clothing brands. And baby toys, bottles, handy little gadgets for new parents, nursery decor… It’s endless.

Then, as if it wasn’t already bad enough, all of your childhood friends start popping out babies like it’s a brand new trend. You don't think you've seen your social media this flooded with pregnancy announcements and baby arrivals, ever. Your emotions are mixed; happy for them, and for their excitement, but there’s also a weird discomfort settled in your stomach.

You hesitate to be that person who thinks the universe is trying to tell you something, but you do wonder. Why else would you suddenly have these feelings? Why else would there be baby stuff everywhere you look now?

It brings on other thoughts, as well. In this day and age, it’s not too unusual for women to have babies without being married, or without a significant other at all. There is the pressure, still, to at least be in a relationship, but considering you’ve been practically in love with one of your closest friends for the last two years, it’s safe to say that you’re tragically single, so having a baby with someone is out of the question.

And god, do you even want a baby?

As soon as the thought crosses your mind, with a sudden clarity that hits you like a ton of bricks, you realize you do. It feels like a freight train has slammed into you. Your mind’s eye supplies you with images of a swollen belly and wide smile, a precious baby wrapped in a soft blanket, cradled in your arms, a gummy grin and happy giggle.

Emotion consumes you then, longing like you’ve never felt in your life, chest aching with how badly you want that.

It’s not as if you’re too young. You’re plenty old enough and you’ve got a secure job. You don’t subscribe to that whole biological clock nonsense, but you do feel that if you are going to potentially have a baby, it might be better to do it now while you’re still in relatively good health.

You groan, dropping your face into your open palms, the movie you'd been watching to try and distract yourself long forgotten as it continues to play on the television.

This is a lot to think about, you ponder to yourself. Taking a deep breath in and releasing it slowly, you decide the mature thing to do is give yourself more time to ruminate on it. Having a baby is no small decision. You need to be absolutely certain it’s what you want. It’s going to change your entire life, everything, and you’d be responsible for a new life. So, you’ll have to give yourself a few months to decide and then you can go from there.

***

You’re scrolling through yet another article on your laptop, engrossed in every detail of the process of artificial insemination and the symptoms and side effects that come with it. So engrossed, in fact, that you don’t hear the key turning in the lock, the door opening and closing, and the heavy footfalls that follow.

It’s only when Bucky asks, “Whatcha reading?” that you are even aware of his presence.

You startle so hard that your knee slams into the underside of your table. Ignoring the throbbing pain in your knee and your wildly beating heart, you close your laptop with a snap and turn to Bucky.

“You could knock,” you grouse.

“Why give me a key, then?” he retorts, unapologetic.

You roll your eyes and grumble under your breath, “Clearly, it was a mistake.”

“You didn’t answer me.”

Brows furrowed, you ask, “What?”

He gestures to your laptop. “What were you reading? Your nose was nearly smushed against the screen.”

You blink, trying to think of a reasonable excuse and coming up empty.

“Nothing,” is all your brilliant mind can supply.

Bucky’s eyes narrow for a few seconds, and you pray to every higher power and all that is holy and good that he won’t press further. You remain frozen under Bucky’s suspicious stare, hearing that Old West shootout music playing in your mind.

Thankfully, it seems the deities are feeling indulgent, as Bucky chooses let it go.

He holds up the bags he carried in. “I brought lunch.”

You perk up instantly. “Did you go to that one place—?”

“With the fried rice you like so much, yes,” he finishes for you, smiling.

“You’re the best,” you sigh, stomach rumbling eagerly.

“I know,” he replies, solemn and dramatic like the idiot he is.

He begins taking out the styrofoam boxes and chattering on about something dumb Steve did the other day, and you mean to listen, you really do. It’s just. That article is still lingering in your brain. There’s so many steps and hassles. Plus, it’s not cheap. It would be a hefty investment.

You’d only researched it because, after months of contemplating the pros and cons of having a baby, you determined the pros far outweigh the cons. But then the problem was: how to even make it happen.

Your first thought was that you didn’t think you’d let just any man come inside you, for many obvious reasons. You’d shuddered to think of it. Then there was surrogacy, which is admirable and wonderful, but you’d quickly dismissed that idea as you realized you wanted to actually carry the baby yourself. So that led you to artificial insemination. You weren’t sure how you felt about it yet. There was something a little too clinical about choosing a random man’s sperm to have injected into your uterus.

Bucky’s still speaking as he grabs plates and forks, unaware of your inner monologue. “And then he got Sam involved,” he’s saying, scooping out food onto the plates, “which, as you know, I always think is a dumb thing to do.”

“I want to have a baby,” you blurt, eyes widening at your outburst.

Bucky fumbles with the spoon, sending fried rice flying, muttering curses as he tries to catch it with no luck as it lands with a dull clunk on the table. The silence that follows is loud. It feels like your heart is in your throat as you wait for him to just say something, anything.

“This is… quite a mess I’ve made,” Bucky finally observes. His voice is a bit higher than usual. “Where’s your vacuum? Actually, do you have one of those mini ones? Or would Clorox wipes be better? You know what, I’ll do both.”

He nods decisively then turns an expectant look towards you. His eyes look a bit wild, but you wisely keep that to yourself.

Wordlessly, you direct him to your hall closet. You realize your error a second too late when he opens the closet and reaches for the vacuum on the top shelf, where the purchase you’d made months ago also rests. His fingers get caught in the plastic bag when he grabs the handheld vacuum and its contents spill out. He goes to catch them right away, but once it registers what they are, he lets go of them like they’re on fire and nearly drops the vacuum on his foot.

Heat has been steadily creeping up your neck, but now your whole body feels aflame with embarrassment. The two of you stare at the baby clothes lying unassumingly on the floor for a long moment, until Bucky quietly walks back to the table with the vacuum clutched tightly in his fist. He flicks the switch on and it whirs to life, sucking up the bits of rice scattered around the table.

There’s another lengthy silence after he turns the vacuum off and you're unable to find the right thing to say to break it. Bucky does it for you.

“So… You’re serious.”

You meet his eyes and sigh heavily. “Yeah.”

He blinks a few times before clearing his throat, schooling his expression carefully. “I didn’t realize you were seeing someone.”

You cough lightly and start picking the peas out of your fried rice. “Well, that would be because I’m not.”

“I don’t think I follow,” he admits slowly.

You sigh again, lowering your gaze to your lap. “Look, I’ve thought about this a lot, okay? I’ve given myself months to really make sure it’s what I want. I’m in a good place in my life to have one, Bucky, and I don’t want to feel pressured to wait until I might get married.” You lift your gaze to his. “I want to have a baby,” you repeat firmly. “And I don’t need a partner to have one.”

You’re not sure why you feel the need to defend yourself. It’s not up to Bucky what you decide to do. You don’t need his approval, or anyone else’s. Maybe it’s because, even though you know it's not true, it feels like you're making too hasty of a decision.

After a beat, Bucky amends, “Well, I mean… You do…”

“Oh my god, shut up, you know what I mean,” you groan as you smack his arm, glad that he's not calling you crazy or trying to talk you out of it.

He doesn’t even flinch, the jerk.

“Wait, so what were you reading when I got here?” he suddenly questions, brows furrowed.

“Nothing,” you say too quickly, guiltily.

“Let me see your laptop then,” he counters as he crosses his arms over his chest.

You flounder for a second, scoffing. “What? No!”

“It can’t be that embarrassing, just show me,” he wheedles.

“Absolutely not.”

“Let me see!”

“It’s private!”

“Don’t be a chicken.”

Your eye twitches. “I’m not a chicken.” Bucky smirks and before he can even open his mouth you interject with a finger pointed accusingly at his face, “Do not start clucking at me, Bucky. I’ll kick your ass,” you threaten, though it's weak and you're not the only one who knows it.

You glare when his smirk only widens. Slowly, he moves his arms like he’s gonna flap them like chicken wings.

“Ugh! God, fine! You wanna know what I was reading?” You open your laptop and slide it over to him, turning it to where he can read it. “There.”

Bucky scans the page, then scans it again, eyes flicking all over like it’s in a different language. His cheeks grow redder and redder as he reads and you get a small sense of satisfaction at the sight.

“Wow,” he mutters finally. “You’re turkey baster serious.”

“James Buchanan Barnes,” you say, pinching the bridge of your nose.

“What?” he asks innocently.

When you make eye contact with him, you purse your lips to keep the laughter threatening to bubble out at bay, but the ever growing smile on Bucky’s face is hard to resist and you find yourself snorting a laugh that leads to uncontrollable giggles. Bucky’s laughing with you, his eyes crinkling on the sides. The tension you hadn’t realized you held in your shoulders loosens and you nudge his knee with yours in silent thanks.

“So,” he says after you've both calmed down.

“So,” you repeat, dragging it out, drumming your fingers on the tabletop. “I’ve been doing research, checking out all of my options, and while artificial insemination seems like the best choice… I don’t know, there’s just something too clinical about it,” you reply, voicing your concerns, “It doesn’t feel right. I know I said I don’t need a partner, and I don’t, but… Having absolutely no connection is weird.”

You shrug, waving a hand as if to say oh well, putting an end to the conversation, and pick up your plate to carry it over to the microwave. You reheat Bucky’s food while you’re up, and then you both start eating in comfortable silence. He gets halfway through his meal before speaking up.

“Have you… I mean, did you think about… I’ve heard that, uh. Some people ask another person…”

He trails off, clearly frustrated that he can’t just spit out what he’s trying to say. You think you understand what he means, though.

“I read up on surrogacy,” you say, biting your lip. “But I don’t think I’d want someone else to carry my baby.”

“Oh, no, I didn’t mean—I wasn’t suggesting, uh, that. Not that there’s anything wrong with it!” he rushes to say.

You tilt your head. “What did you mean then?”

“Well,” Bucky starts, stilted, licking his lips. “For the artificial insemination, have you considered… you know. Asking someone you’re close with?”

You frown, not following.

“For—for the sperm,” he clarifies, shifting in his seat.

“Oh,” you breathe, blinking rapidly, surprised as you think of how to reply. “Um. No? I wouldn’t even know who I could ask, to be honest. That’s quite the request, you know? Who would—“

“Me,” he interrupts, determined and cheeks flushed, “I would.”

Your own face heats. “Oh,” you say again, quieter.

You can say, with full confidence, that not once did it cross your mind to ask anyone to help you, but you especially would have never given thought to asking Bucky.

For a list of reasons, really, with “it’s Bucky” being right at the very top. Like—sure, yes, you’re in love with him, but after two years of no signs of reciprocation you’ve learned to stop dreaming, to stop hoping. If the attraction was mutual he would have shown it by now, right? And on top of that, his friendship means the world to you and you wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize it. You'd never forgive yourself if you ever managed to fuck up the one good, constant thing going for you.

“Bucky,” you start, slow and careful, “this… This isn't something you can just jump into. It’s something you should think about for a while.”

He contemplates that for a second. “You’re right,” he concedes with a nod. “But…” He purses his lips, glancing away for a minute before turning back to you, leaning forward. “Okay listen, this is important for you. It’s going to change your whole life. You said it yourself, not having a connection to the sperm donor feels wrong. You’re my best friend, alright? I—care about you. You should pick someone you can trust.”

He clenches his jaw after he finishes speaking. You sort of hate the way your heart both flutters and plummets at his words. It’s nice to know you matter to him, just not in the way you’ve wanted for too long.

And if you’re really honest with yourself, Bucky would be a great choice as a donor. He’s in great health, has strong features that would look wonderful on any gender. But would you be able to handle the repercussions of having his child? Would you be able to look at your baby and see those features without it sending a pang through your chest every single time? You can’t say for certain.

Yet, the chance to have that type of connection with him, selfishly, sounds too good to pass up.

“At least think about it for a few days,” you murmur reluctantly.

It’s the most acceptance he’ll get and he knows it. A smile blooms across his face and you have to swallow down the warring emotions rising within you.

***

With the amount of research you do on the subject now, it doesn’t take long for you to find out that there are at-home kits for artificial insemination that are much easier (and cheaper). It’s easy to settle on that, clicking on the info to order your kit with butterflies fluttering in your stomach.

You read through the instructions online and it all sounds simple enough, until you get to the part where it says that having an orgasm after injection helps increase your chances of conception.

Blinking, heat crawling up your neck, you read that step several times, hoping you read it wrong, but it doesn’t change.

You… You can’t masturbate with Bucky’s sperm inside you. That’s a line you refuse to cross.

And besides, he’s a healthy man in his thirties who exercises regularly and eats fairly healthy food! You probably—definitely—won’t need to take that step. It’ll be fine. Probably.

Once the kit arrives, you call Bucky and ask him to come over so you can explain the process to him. Since he’s only across the hall of your apartment building, he’s there a moment later, letting himself in with his key.

“Let’s make a baby,” is how he greets you.

“Hold your horses,” you reply, fighting back a laugh. “I gotta walk you through everything first.”

He plops himself down next to you on your couch. “Fine, fine. Go ahead.”

Squaring your shoulders, you begin telling him how it all works, and what parts he is key for. You speak through your awkwardness, avoiding eye contact, when you explain that he’ll need to masturbate into a clean, sterile cup. You leave out how it’s suggested for you to also masturbate, deciding it’s not pertinent information for him to know.

“When do we start?” he asks once you’re done.

“I have to take an ovulation test first to find out the best days for me to conceive, but once I do that we’ll be able to, um.” You gesture vaguely. “I’ll be able to do the injections.”

He nods. “Alright.” He looks at you then, taking your hand in his and giving it a squeeze. “I’ll be here every step of the way, okay?”

“I know,” you say, smiling. “Thank you, Bucky.”

“You’re welcome,” he returns softly.

“No, really, thank you,” you assert. “This is a lot to take on and I can never fully repay you.”

Bucky shakes his head. “I want you to be happy, and I can see that having this baby is going to do that. I’ll do whatever I need to do to ensure it happens.”

You pull him into a hug, willing yourself to not cry. You’re not sure he’ll ever understand what this means for you, personally, or that you’d ever find a way to express it. He’s giving you so much more than just a baby.

***

The first injection time comes and you find yourself fidgeting where you sit as you wait for Bucky to bring over the, uh… sample. You do your best to not think about what he’s doing in his apartment, to not think about exactly how he’s collecting his sperm.

Now is not the time, you mentally scold yourself. Get it together.

A timid knock at your door alerts you to his presence. The fact he’s knocking says a lot about his own level of embarrassment about the situation.

His cheeks are pink when you open the door. “Uh, hi.”

“Hi,” you return.

He clears his throat and lifts the small cup in his hand. “Here’s… well, you know.”

You gingerly take it from him, not knowing what else to say, but when he smiles somewhat crookedly and turns to leave, you find yourself asking, “Will you stay?”

Bucky’s steps pause. “Huh?”

“Will you—I mean… Would you mind staying?” You shift on your feet. “This is a big moment for me. I-I don’t want to do it alone.”

“Are you asking me to…?” He trails off awkwardly.

“Oh! God, no, I wouldn’t—no,” you assure, huffing a laugh, “I’m doing the injection, I just need a little moral support. That’s all.”

Bucky smiles. “Sure, I’ll stay.”

Relief floods through you. You step aside to let him in, closing the door behind him. He follows you to your bedroom and just before entering you stop in your tracks, nearly causing Bucky to bump into you.

“Um,” you mutter, turning to him. “You’ll have to, ah, sit out here,” you explain. “I have to be lying down…”

Understanding dawns on him. “Oh! Right, right, of course. Sorry.”

“I’ll let you know when I’m done,” you promise.

He nods and watches you close the door. You walk over to your bed and sit down, glancing at the syringe you’ll be using and biting the inside of your cheek.

This is it. There’s really no going back after this. Sure, you may not get pregnant the first time, but Bucky’s already said he’d help you for as long as it takes. It’s just… very real now. You don’t feel any doubts, though. You want this.

Inhaling a large breath and slowly letting it out, hands shaking, you take the lid off the cup and pick up the syringe. You remember the instructions, making sure there’s as little air sucked in as possible when you draw out the semen, and getting rid of the few air bubbles that you see. You grab your pillows and lie down, propping them beneath you to lift your hips.

“Here I go,” you mumble to yourself, taking another deep breath and releasing it.

A couple minutes later, the syringe is empty and you’ve got your legs pulled up to your chest. You cover yourself with your blanket and call out Bucky’s name.

“You okay?” you hear through the door.

“Will you come here, please?” you ask.

He walks in cautiously, making sure you’re decently covered before entering fully, wisely not commenting on your position. “Well?”

“I did it,” you whisper.

He stays quiet, letting you parse through your thoughts. You blink when you feel tears threatening to gather in your eyes. He’s beside you in an instant, crawling in the bed and lying down, taking your hand in his.

“Congratulations,” he says softly.

“Don’t congratulate me yet,” you reply, sniffing and wiping at your eyes.

“Still,” he presses. “You’re one step closer now.”

He pulls your hand up and kisses the back of it. You give him a watery smile. The two of you lay there in silence for a moment before Bucky breaks it.

“This isn’t how I pictured myself making a baby.”

It startles a laugh out of you and Bucky grins, pleased to have helped ease the tense atmosphere. He distracts you with idle conversation after that, talking about his plans for the upcoming weekend, asking about yours, tells you about the newest stupid thing Sam did; he talks and talks and talks, until your anxiety is gone, and then he stays to cook dinner for you.

Your hug when he gets ready to head back to his apartment lasts a couple minutes longer than usual. Bucky quietly allows it, dropping a kiss on your forehead when you pull away.

“Same time next week?” he jokes, making you crack a smile.

“Goodbye, Bucky,” you reply exasperatedly as you close your door.

“Bye, sweetheart,” he returns over his shoulder.

***

Weeks pass. More injections. Pregnancy tests taken.

But nothing happens.

All of your tests come back negative.

When reading up on artificial insemination, and pregnancy in general, you’d understood that there was a chance it wouldn’t happen right away. You thought you were fine with that, that you’d be alright with the waiting and all. Looking at your growing collection of negative tests, however, has a sense of dread building within you. You do your best to quell it, telling yourself there’s no need to stress over it. Yet.

Besides, your mind supplies in an overly cheerful manner, there’s still one more method to try!

***

The next time Bucky brings over his sample, he lets himself in, like always, and passes along the cup with an encouraging smile. You try to smile back, but it feels more like a grimace. He either doesn’t notice or he at least pretends not to, thankfully.

But when he goes to make himself comfortable to wait, you’re reminded that you haven’t told him about the, uh… change in procedure, so to speak.

You clear your throat delicately. “I don’t think you’ll need to stick around this time.”

Bucky frowns. “Why not?”

“Because…” You trail off, cheeks pinking, yet not finishing the sentence, because how do you explain this?

“I promised you I’d be here every step of the way,” he recalls. “I intend to keep that promise.”

You wince. “I really appreciate where your heart is, Bucky, I really do, but I literally cannot let you be here for this injection.”

“Why not?”

You look heavenward for mercy. “I have to…”

When you don’t finish your sentence again, Bucky raises a single brow, gesturing for you to go on. “You have to… what?”

You huff, throwing your arms out. “I have to orgasm, okay?”

His eyes go a little bit wide, but you can tell he tries to control his reaction. He swallows, shifting where he sits on the couch.

“Oh,” he mumbles. “Have… have you had to do that before?”

“No. Well, I mean, it was suggested, but I never…”

His eyebrows furrow. “Does it help or something?”

You absently scratch your neck. “They say it increases the chances of conception.”

“But you haven’t been doing… that.”

“I didn’t think I’d need to.”

Bucky inhales like he’s going to say something, but then doesn’t.

“Yeah, so, I don’t think you should be here,” you utter, quickly adding, “No offense.”

“No, yeah, that’s fair, um. I’ll just—I’ll head back to my apartment,” he states as he stands. “You can—I mean, if you still want me to—I can come back over? After you… uh…”

“I’ll let you know,” you reply, voice tight and high.

He nods, looking lost and like he wants to say more but thinks better of it. Finally, he mutters a soft bye and is out the door.

Alone now, your stomach feels like it’s tying itself in knots and your heart is doing its damnedest to beat out of your chest. You try to tell yourself that it’s just another injection, that this is the same as any other time you've done this, but you know it’s not. It's really, really not.

Laying down on your bed, syringe in hand, is much more nerve wracking than before. On your left lies a new addition to your routine. You don’t know why you’re acting like such a prude all the sudden. It’s not like you’ve never masturbated before. Though, you suppose the major difference is that you didn’t have Bucky’s sperm hangin’ out in your vagina all those other times while you did it.

“Quit being such a goober about this,” you tell yourself.

This has to be done for a reason. If you want to have a baby—and you do, very badly—then you’re gonna have to deal with the process.

Once you’ve injected the sperm, you reach for your bullet vibrator next to your left hand. The instructions say not to insert anything, only to stimulate your clit. You try to clear your head, think of it as a chore or something, yet it’s hard not to think of a certain someone.

The vibrator buzzes with the press of a button. You adjust your hips, making sure they’re tilted, then bring the vibrator to your clit. The first touch makes your stomach tense and thighs spasm.

You close your eyes, running the toy along your slit. You really don’t want to drag this out, would prefer to get it over with as quickly as possible, but your mind begins running away with images.

Bucky, settled between your spread thighs, one hand resting on one of them, the other controlling the vibrator. You imagine he’d tease you, slowly trail it along the crease of your thighs, over your hips; everywhere but where you wanted it.

Bucky would probably give in once you whine and beg enough, once your desperation bled into your voice, and hold the vibrator directly to your clit, drink in your cries of pleasure like they’re the finest whisky.

He’d mutter soft but firm encouragement, tell you how good you’re doing, how good you sound. He’d start circling the vibrator, going from quick to lazy swirls, then he’d change the setting to a higher one just to hear you whimper. His free hand would run up your torso to pinch at your nipples for added stimulation.

When you imagine him leaning down to add his tongue into the mix, your mind blanks as your climax hits you, a ragged moan forcing its way out of your throat. You’re quick to turn the vibrator off and toss it to the floor, deciding you’ll worry about cleaning it later, chest heaving as you pant for breath after an intense orgasm.

Shame and embarrassment consume you, mock you for using Bucky to rub one out. You’d given in to the fantasy so easily.

Truthfully, it’s not the first time you’ve thought of him while pleasuring yourself, but the context this time is completely different, and you feel immediately guilty. Admittedly, it’s probably irrational.

That doesn’t stop you from cringing at your actions.

***

You’re sure you’ve bought out the entire pregnancy test section from the convenience store down the block. Currently, there are six different brands in front of you, all promising the most accurate results.

Bucky is sitting in your bedroom, quietly waiting for you to pee on all of them so you can both find out what they say. You chug the last bit of your third bottle of water even though your bladder is fit to burst at any moment. Turning the faucet on for modesty, you make quick work of the tests, then wash your hands.

And wait.

You call Bucky into the bathroom with you. The two of you quietly sit on the edge of your bathtub, counting down the minutes. Part of you wishes Bucky would say something dumb to break the tension, like he usually does, but you're also kind of glad he's just here, next to you, a silent comfort.

It seems like hours have passed when you’re finally sure you can check them.

The first one is negative, and so is the second. The third, however, reads positive. Your heart begins racing, clutching at the counter, but before your hopes get too carried away you read the rest. To your dismay, they are all negative. You stare down at them all, eyes falling on the loan positive test multiple times, knowing that it’s likely a false positive, yet stupidly hoping otherwise.

Your chin wobbles. Bucky hugs you from behind, resting his cheek on your shoulder.

“What do I do, Bucky?”

At your broken whisper, he sighs. “I don’t know, sweetheart.”

Neither of you know what to say or do after that. Bucky continues offering quiet support, his solid presence at your back, and you’re grateful. Eventually, he leads you out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, sitting you down at the table as he starts preparing dinner.

When you’re both eating the spaghetti he made, he breaks the silence.

“Do you think…” he starts, pausing to think of how to phrase his question before carefully carrying on. “Are you going to stop?”

“I don’t want to,” you answer, the implied but hanging heavy in the air.

Bucky sits his fork down. “I know you want this, very much.” He pushes his hair out of his face as he leans forward, elbows settling on the table. “But I hate seeing how sad you get when the tests come out negative. I feel so… powerless. Like I could be doing more or something.”

“You’re doing all you can, Bucky,” you assure.

“That’s the thing, though. I don’t think I am.”

You frown. “What do you mean?”

He licks his lips, locking his fingers together. “I think we should have sex.”

Your fork drops to your plate with a clang, eyes going wide.

“I apologize for how blunt that came out,” he states with a wince. “But, I mean, think about it. You’ve only been using my sperm from a syringe, and up until the last time, you hadn’t been, um, orgasming with it.” You look away, bashful. “I just wonder if maybe trying the old-fashioned way would give you better results.”

“Bucky,” you start, opening and closing your mouth a couple times before shaking your head. “It’s one thing for you to offer your sperm, which I’m thankful for, truly, but… Having sex?”

“I’ve already told you I’m willing to do whatever I need to do,” he retorts earnestly. “Your happiness means a lot to me, okay? I hate sitting around and watching your heart break every week. You’ve tried it your way, now I think we should try mine.”

“I-I don’t know,” you hesitate, chewing on the inside of your cheek, knee beginning to bounce under the table.

His hand slides onto your knee, stilling the movement as he ducks his head to meet your gaze. His eyes are impossibly sincere and your resolve crumbles in an instant.

“It won’t… It’s not going to change anything,” he assures. “I won’t allow it.”

You swallow roughly. He may not, but your heart is going to take its toughest beating yet. It’s going to be hopeless trying to overcome the inevitable emotions that come with sex.

Even so, somehow, your longing for a baby eclipses all of this. Now that you’ve imagined holding your child in your arms, raising them and loving them, you can’t go back. Not anymore.

“Okay,” you allow, softly.

Bucky’s shoulders relax, lips tipping up into a devastating smile.

You’re so fucked. (Pun intended.)

***

Two nights later, you’re pacing in your bedroom, impatiently waiting for Bucky to arrive. You’d been unsure whether or not you should dress up. You didn’t see the point, honestly. Still, a small part of you wondered what his reaction would be if he saw you all done up in lingerie. At the moment, you’re in an oversized t-shirt and pajama shorts.

It’s Bucky, you think, and this isn’t a normal situation, it doesn’t matter what I’m wearing.

You hear his key turning in the lock then and your heart begins hammering away. He calls your name as he enters.

“In here,” you reply, twisting your fingers nervously.

He walks into your room looking just as on edge as you are. He also seems to have had the same idea about his attire, comfortable in his white tee and sweatpants. His feet are bare and for whatever reason that feels way more intimate than it has any right to.

“Hey,” he greets.

“Hi.”

You bite your lip, eyes flitting around your room and coming back to settle on Bucky. He huffs.

“This is ridiculous,” he declares, “It’s just us.”

“Right,” you nod, biting the inside of your cheek.

“It’s not gonna be weird.”

“Nope.”

His jaw ticks. You stare back at him. It only takes a moment for you to realize that somebody has to make the first move, so you steel yourself and turn on your heel, walking towards your bed.

“I’m keeping my shirt on,” you announce as you unceremoniously drop onto the mattress, grabbing your pillows to stuff them under you.

Bucky follows at a sedate pace, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. He pauses next to you, taking a second to roll his shoulders, then he climbs in and settles in front of your bent legs. He gingerly places his hands on your knees.

“May I?” he asks.

Mouth suddenly dry, you nod. He moves his hands to the waistband of your shorts and tugs. You lift your hips to help him slide them down and off, along with your underwear. Gently, he spreads your legs.

Your breathing has picked up considerably, eyes firmly trained on the ceiling. You know you’re already wet and are blessedly thankful he doesn’t mention it.

The first slide of his fingers has you inhaling sharply. He slowly gathers your slick and trails it up to your clit, lightly circling it. Your mind recalls your fantasy, but you quickly shove it back to the depths of your thoughts, lest you do something idiotic like tell him about it.

He spreads your legs more, adjusting his position between them. His fingers move down until he can sink one into you. You gasp, hands shooting out to grasp your sheets. He wastes no time and begins thrusting his finger inside you.

It becomes quickly apparent to you that it’s going to be very difficult to hold back any noise or reactions. Goddamnit, you will try, though!

When he decides it’s time to add another finger, you feel yourself clench around them, and his soft fuck does not go unnoticed, evident in the way your pussy traitorously clenches again.

“Can I…?” he asks, voice cracking, but doesn’t finish his thought, making you have to break your staring contest with the ceiling and look at him.

He’s not even looking back at you, he’s staring at his fingers, watching them pump in and out of you, half bent over with a slack jaw, like he wants to…

He meets your eyes then, licking his lips.

Oh.

Swallowing around the sudden lump in your throat, knowing you’re probably going to regret it, you nod.

He’s leaning over and sucking on your clit before you can even blink. You cry out, thighs trying to clamp around his head, but his free hand shoots out to hold you open. It makes you squirm, fisting the sheets even tighter. His fingers curl inside you as his tongue licks around them and you whine, high and needy, and then mouth is back on your clit, tongue swiping over it, sucking on it with loud, obscene noises.

His hand comes up to grab the hem of your shirt, shoves it upward until it’s bunched underneath your breasts. Those fingers ghost back down your torso, goosebumps erupting in their wake.

He speeds up his thrusts and your hand flies down to grip his hair. You don’t think you’re meant to hear the quiet grunt he lets out, but you do, and it has you panting even harder. Your orgasm is building, fast, and you pull on his hair in warning.

“Bucky,” you say on a gasp.

Using his arm to hold you down, his free hand joins, thumb swiping over your clit now as he dips his head to slide his tongue in alongside his fingers. It draws a yell out of you, the ever expanding pleasure within you bursting into the hardest orgasm you’ve experienced thus far in your adult life. You know you’re moaning, bucking into the sensations coursing through you, and you’d feel abashed if you didn’t feel so fucking good.

Before you can become too sensitive, Bucky withdraws his fingers and sits up. You can’t even really catch your breath, though, because in the next second he’s whipping his t-shirt off and shoving his sweatpants down far enough to free his cock.

Your thighs do clamp closed then, at the sight of how thick he is, and he tries and fails to keep his smirk hidden.

“Oh, shut up,” you wheeze.

“Didn’t say anything,” he counters.

He doesn’t let you argue, choosing that moment to shuffle closer and line up with your opening. Cautiously, he eases himself inside, inch by inch. Your mouth drops open, brows furrowing as he fills you, stretching you so perfectly. When he’s in as far as he can go, the breath wooshes out of him, his head falling back. You know he’s trying to be polite and let you adjust, but—

“Oh my god, move,” you demand, impatient.

He huffs a laugh, dropping his heavy lidded gaze to yours. “Bossy.”

“Did you really expect anything else—oh!”

The grin he aims your way after grinding into you is downright sinful. You mentally tell yourself to kick him for that later.

He grabs your hips and the pillows and settles you closer to his lap, changing the angle, then pulls out and glides back in, creating a painstakingly slow rhythm.

You have to close your eyes. You can’t look at him anymore. You knew he was probably a god in bed, but to now have firsthand experience? There was no way you’d be able to fuck anyone else without comparing them.

His grip on your hips tightens, the only warning you get before his thrusts turn sharp.

“Fuck,” you cry out, your hands reaching up to grip the pillow beneath your head.

The sound of your skin meeting his is harsh in the otherwise quiet room. Well, okay, you’re not exactly being quiet, but you can’t be blamed for that.

Bucky, however, is nearly silent. The only thing you hear from him is heavy breathing. You wonder if he’s holding back, the thought crossing your mind for a split second, and then you’re clenching around his cock, trying to see if you can gain a reaction. And boy, do you get one.

He grunts and sucks in a breath, lips parting as his eyes squeeze shut. His hips pick up their pace and hair falls into his face. You find yourself wishing he was closer so you could brush it out of the way.

Stop it, you scold yourself.

He pauses to grind into you again, your walls fluttering around his throbbing cock, and you both sigh. Bucky leans forward, hooking your legs into the crooks of his elbows, and resumes his brutal pace.

“O-Oh,” you whimper.

The new angle is heavenly, his cock dragging along a spot inside you that you thought nobody else could find. Unable to help yourself, you clutch at his arms, nails digging in.

“Shit,” he groans, thrusts faltering.

He lets go of one of your legs to slip his hand between you, rubbing at your clit and sending you that much closer to your second orgasm. He can tell you’re close, but you’re gonna need something to push you over the edge. He leans down even closer, breath fanning out against your cheek.

“C’mon,” he pants. “Let go.”

You shiver when his tongue flicks your earlobe and sucks it into his mouth, keening as the pressure builds. He thrusts harder, faster, and when you grasp his hair and pull, he growls and latches on to your shoulder, biting down. You gasp from the added pain and then you’re coming, shuddering and whining through your release. Bucky isn’t far behind, raising up and fucking into you savagely before pausing abruptly, groaning as he finally comes. He lazily thrusts a few more times to draw it out, then stops, stilling with his cock inside you.

Your hair is sticking to your forehead, as well as your shirt to your clammy back, breathing in lungfuls of air. Bucky is softly caressing your thighs, letting out shaky breaths as your pussy continues to flutter around him.

It takes several moments for you to gather your wits, for the rest of the world to come filtering back in. You are truly and completely fucked now, in every sense of the word.

“Well…” You trail off, voice scratchy.

“That was…”

“Mhm,” you mumble.

Bucky sighs heavily. “Let’s hope it worked this time.”

You hum. “Thank you for your service,” you reply with a lazy salute.

You yelp when he pinches your hip, kicking at him in retaliation. The jostling reminds you, with a gasping groan, that he’s still buried balls deep inside you.

“Um.” You cough lightly. “You wanna, you know… pull out?”

He looks down where you’re connected like it hadn’t even dawned on him. “Oh, uh. Well, I thought maybe it could, like. Help.”

His gaze stays locked, fingers flexing on your hips, and you feel like squirming again.

“I think it’s good,” you say quietly.

Bucky finally glances back up at your shy tone, cheeks pinking. He clears his throat.

“Right.”

Carefully, he eases his softening cock out of you, biting the inside of his cheek to keep from making a noise.

You can’t hold back yours, though, gasping once he’s gone. You feel unbearably empty, but refrain from voicing that incessant thought.

Bucky’s intense eyes stare at your pussy until you reach for the throw blanket next to you. He watches you throw it over your lap, drawing your legs up to your chest, and takes that as his cue, jolting into action.

“Okay, so.” He starts, then stops, climbs off your bed and pulls his sweatpants back up. “This was—I mean, if it doesn’t take this time, we can… try again.”

“Yeah,” you mutter. “Sounds good.”

He nods, bending to pick up his discarded t-shirt. “Great. I’ll just, um, see myself out, I guess.”

You nod, sending a smile that doesn’t quite reach your eyes in his direction. He seems to contemplate something for a second, then leans down to kiss your forehead before saying a quick goodbye and leaving.

As soon as you hear your apartment door shut, you let your tears fall.

***

It’s not really like you mean to avoid him after that.

Honest.

You simply become busy, that’s all. You definitely don’t go out of your way by taking the stairs in your apartment building to avoid possibly bumping into him in the elevator. No, you take the stairs because you could use the cardio. It’s important you stay healthy right now. And when he texts you to ask if you want to have dinner, you can’t help that you’ve got boatloads of work to catch up on—all five times he asks.

Okay, so, that’s a lie. You’re totally avoiding him. But what on earth are you supposed to say to him now? You don’t think you’d even be able to look him in the eye anymore, not after the fuck of your goddamn life.

That night confirmed what you already knew for the last two years: Bucky absolutely ruined you for anyone else.

More than anything, though, you were angry with yourself. He’d only offered because you weren’t getting your desired results the other way. You should have been able to separate your feelings and emotions from all of it. After all, none of this was about whatever you feel towards Bucky. This was about trying to conceive a baby.

You try telling yourself to get over it. He’s your best friend, you can’t just cut him off because you’re a spineless pansy.

I just need some time, you reason. You can give yourself a few days to wallow over what could have been and then you can reach out to him and pretend like everything is fine. Because it is.

***

Flash forward two weeks to you attempting to sneak into your apartment, only to jump out of your skin when you turn around and find Bucky sitting on your couch, an unreadable expression on his face.

“Oh, good, you’re still alive,” he drawls.

His tone suggests annoyance. You suppose you deserve that.

“Hey,” you say after a pause.

He stares at you for a moment longer before speaking again. “I thought we agreed we wouldn’t let it get weird.”

You agreed, you almost say, thankfully biting it back. You drop your purse on the entryway table, sliding your shoes off and making your way over to sit next to him.

“I’m sorry,” you mumble. You tug your sweater sleeves down and tuck your feet beneath you. “I haven’t ever… I’ve never been intimate with a friend before. It was just… a lot.”

It’s a half truth, at least. You haven’t had sex with a friend before. Or, well, not one you had feelings for.

“You could’ve just told me,” he replies, reaching for your hand.

You nod. “I know, and I should have, I just. Things are all out of whack lately with the whole… trying to get pregnant thing.”

“If I overstepped in any way—” Bucky starts, but you’re quick to interrupt.

“You didn’t,” you promise. “You’ve been nothing but fantastic throughout this whole ordeal. Honestly, Bucky, you’ve done way more than anyone else would have in this situation. I just had a lot going on in my head and let it get the best of me. I’m fine, I swear.”

He searches your eyes and must find what he’s looking for.

“Don’t shut me out again,” he pleads.

Heart cracking in your chest, you can only nod, shuffling closer to pull him into a hug. He buries his face in your neck and holds on tight.

***

Another week passes.

Bucky is with you as you wait for the results of the latest pregnancy test. He’s reassured you that you’ll keep trying until it happens if it didn’t work this time.

When the timer on your phone goes off, you release the breath you’ve been holding. You take tentative steps over to the sink and gingerly pick up the test.

Positive.

Your stomach swoops. It’s positive. You check again, reading the digitized screen, but it stays the same. Positive. Holy shit.

“Okay, wait, no, I need to do more. I can’t get my hopes up again,” you mutter, rushing to open the cabinet under your sink to dig out several more varieties of tests.

You don’t even wait for Bucky to leave before you’re peeing on the other sticks. He’s seen it all at this point anyway, and he doesn’t seem to care, sitting on the edge of your tub with an anxious expression. The downside is that you have to wait another few minutes for these tests to finish and you can’t sit still, pacing back and forth in the small space of your bathroom.

The timer goes off again. You feel like you’re going to throw up when you finally work up the courage to look down.

Every single one of them… Positive.

A shocked, happy laugh escapes you. You cover your mouth, turning to Bucky with wide eyes.

He rises to his full height, coming closer and peering down at the tests, then back to your teary eyed expression.

“Did we…?”

Words failing you, you nod, giggling in astonishment. Bucky’s face breaks into the biggest, handsomest, most gut-wrenching smile. His happiness is palpable and you’re suddenly so overcome with emotion. Your hands are gripping his face and angling it to align your lips to his before you register what you’re doing. He freezes and you hurriedly pull away, taking a few steps back.

“I’m so sorry, I-I don’t know why—”

“Shut up,” he cuts you off, closing the gap between you in a single stride.

He kisses you like his life depends on it, pressing your bodies as close as possible, his hands cupping your cheeks. You clutch his shirt desperately, never wanting to let go. He steals the breath straight from your lungs when he swipes at the seam of your lips with his tongue, moaning happily when you allow him access. A feeble whine from you after he flicks his tongue against yours makes him break the kiss.

“I have a confession,” he breathes into the miniscule space between your mouths.

“What?” you question distractedly.

“I’m in love with you.”

Your gaze shoots up to his, astounded. He brushes stray hairs off your forehead, runs his thumbs softly under your eyes.

“I’ve been selfish this whole time,” he reveals. “I couldn’t let you choose some random stranger to be your sperm donor, to father your child, couldn’t bear the thought of you carrying their baby, because I’ve been in love with you since the moment I met you. I wanted to be the one. And I’m sorry for not telling you sooner, but I’m not sorry I did it.”

You’re hearing the words, yet your brain can’t seem to make sense of them. Surely you’re hearing him wrong. You can’t possibly have this too, right? You can't have Bucky and have his baby…

But he’s here, very real and solid beneath your hands, looking at you like you’re his entire world.

“Bucky…” You trail off, struggling to find the right words, at a complete loss. “I-I’ve loved you for so long now, I didn’t think you…” You shake your head, a giggle escaping you as you stare at him in wonder. “I couldn’t let myself hope.”

He grins, relieved, planting a few chaste kisses to your mouth. “I know this entire circumstance is totally backwards, but I want you, and I want this baby. I meant it when I said I’m not going anywhere.”

Fresh tears gather in the corners of your eyes. “Are you sure?” you still ask.

“I’ve never been more sure of anything.”

You have to kiss him then, uncaring of the tears that trickle down your face. The only thing you are focused on is the way his hands trail down your back, pausing to squeeze your ass, then grip underneath to lift you. Your legs wrap around his waist, arms locked around his neck, as he heads for your bed. He makes a point of throwing your extra pillows on the floor before settling between your thighs and kissing the hell out of you.

He pulls away only to undress you and himself, but he’s always back as quickly as possible, lips pressing kisses wherever he can reach. You impatiently tug at him until his lips are attached to yours again. The way he fucks his tongue into your mouth is nothing short of indecent and it sends a rush of pure want all the way to your core.

When you bury your fingers in his hair, gripping it tight, he grunts, biting your lip. You whimper and he grins as he pulls away.

“You make the most beautiful sounds,” he praises, his hands beginning to sweep down and up, tickling under your breasts.

His thumb and forefinger pinch one of your nipples and you gasp, back arching off your mattress. He repeats it on the other side, just to hear the same noise.

“Bucky, please,” you beg.

“Please what?” he prods. His hands drift further to the creases of your thighs, spreading them open. “What do you need?”

You whine, canting your hips up. “You, I need you, please.”

“You have me, sweetheart.” He tilts his head and you make a noise of frustration. “Use your words, darlin��.”

“Fuck me, please,” you burst out, feeling your pussy clench around nothing.

Bucky smiles, slow and torturous. “Yeah? Want me to fuck you? Fuck this perfect pussy until you’re so full of my come that it drips down your beautiful thighs?”

“Oh god,” you mumble.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” he teases.

His fingers slide down your slit, gathering your slick then thrusts two fingers in at once. You groan brokenly, shifting your hips to try and get more friction, but he holds them down with his metal arm. Agonizingly slow, he begins fucking you with his fingers. It’s good, it’s amazing, but it’s not enough. Not when you know what his cock feels like. He takes his precious time fingering you and you’re sure you’re going to lose your mind before the day is done.

“You have no idea how incredible you felt around my cock,” he tells you in a ridiculously conversational tone. “I was trying to think of any excuse I could come up with to have you at least one more time.”

He shifts until his mouth is directly above where you’re dripping for him, and he waits until you make eye contact with him.

“But now I’m gonna spend the rest of my life making you come apart on my cock any chance I get.”

You hardly have any functioning brain cells at the moment, but even if you could form a coherent sentence you wouldn’t have been able to say it aloud, because then he’s descending and all you can feel is the wet warmth of his mouth.

He definitely doesn’t hold back this time, that much is apparent in the way he devours you, lips and tongue drawing out noises you’ve never heard yourself make, pressing his face so far into your pussy that he has to come up for air. His mouth and chin shine when you chance a look down, and when you clench on his fingers his smile goes smug at the corners.

He plants kisses along your hips, the insides of your thighs, around where his fingers are buried within you. He curls them, in search of the spot he found last time. He knows he found it when you try to close your thighs around his head and cry out. Now that he's found it, he angles to brush it on every thrust of his fingers and attaches his mouth back on your clit.

You chant his name, nearly sobbing as you approach your climax, until finally you fly over the edge. Your vision blurs and you’re not sure if you’re making any noise now, unable to hear past the blood rushing in your ears. Bucky helps you ride it out until you’re shuddering from sensitivity.

He kisses your thighs again, trailing them up your stomach and between the valley of your breasts.

“So good, did so well,” he mutters.

Weakly, you lift your hands to trace them down his toned stomach and around his back, down further so you can cop a feel of your own, smiling at his grunt of surprise.

“That was great and all,” you say, arching your back so your chest presses against his, “but I do believe I asked you to fuck me.”

He arches an eyebrow. “Who said I was done with you?” It’s apparently a rhetorical question, as he continues before you get a chance to reply. “I’m gonna fuck you until you come, and then I’m gonna keep fucking you until you come again, and only then will I come so deep inside you there’ll be zero doubt I’ve put a baby there.”

Your legs are lifted and thrown over his shoulders in a blink, his cock pushing into your pussy, dragging out a high-pitched moan from you. There’s barely a pause and then he’s fucking you, just like you asked. The pace is brutal right from the start, a steady rhythm that has you mewling and writhing in pleasure. Bucky is watching his cock as he thrusts in and out of you, his mouth hanging open slightly as he pants. He hikes your hips up a little higher and you jolt through your startled moan. This angle is divine and the telltale signs of your second orgasm start tingling at the base of your spine.

“Can feel you,” Bucky says through panting breaths, “so close. C’mon, let me feel you.”

He pulls you down on his cock, grinding into you, his thumb reaching to rub tight circles over your clit. You sob through your release, shuddering against Bucky as you clench around him. He groans, still barely moving as you come down from your high.

“Fuck,” he grunts. “Come here.”

He helps you sit up, still seated on his cock, making you both hiss from your movement. Your arms automatically wrap around his shoulders and his around your waist. He kisses you so sweetly, a stark contradiction to the way he just fucked you. When you pull away, resting your foreheads together, he grins.

“Hi.”

You crack a smile. “Hi.”

“Ready for more?” he asks, wiggling his eyebrows.

“You think you got it in you?” you tease as you play with the hair at the nape of his neck.

The light smack to your ass startles you and you let out a soft sound of surprise, hands tugging his hair harshly. Bucky’s eyes light up.

“Interesting,” he muses.

Another slap, a little harder than the first, and you’re whimpering, your walls clenching around his still hard cock.

“I’ll play with that later,” he promises, voice breathy.

You bury your face in his neck and start shifting your hips. He takes the hint, gathering you as close as he can and thrusts up into you. He can’t pull out as far this way, but the snap of his hips more than makes up for it. You mouth at his collarbone messily, kissing and licking your way up to his jaw, biting marks wherever you see fit. You make it up to his mouth and he kisses you, wet and filthy. You suck on his tongue and a ragged moan claws its way out of his throat. The need for air eventually has you pulling away.

“It’s a good thing you love me back,” you whisper in his ear. “Nobody else could ever compare to you.”

He growls, fisting your hair and yanking your head back to look him in the eye.

“Nobody will ever compare,” he corrects.

You moan. “Yes,” you agree, whining, “No one else could’ve given me a baby.”

Bucky thrusts harder and faster at your words. You’re picking up on a few hints and you can’t say it’s not doing it for you either.

“Filled me up so good, fucked me so well. Gonna be round with your baby soon.”

“Fuck, fuck,” he keens, hurrying to lay you flat on your back so he can fuck into you easier.

The sound of skin meeting skin fills the room, your cries of pleasure mixing in with Bucky’s grunts and curses. His grip on you tightens almost painfully as he chases both your and his orgasm. You’re sure to have bruises tomorrow and you already know you'll be poking at them to remember this moment.

“C’mon, baby, wanna feel you too,” you beg.

His thumb finds your swollen clit once more. It’s beyond sensitive now, feels like a shockwave coursing through you, and without any warning, you come. You spasm around Bucky and he swears under his breath, thrusts going sloppy. With a final groan, he comes inside you, his hips moving seemingly on their own as he draws out both your pleasures. Slowly, he comes to a stop, but he leaves his cock buried in you like he did last time.

You know you’re gonna feel too empty when he does pull out, so you don’t mind sitting like this for a while. Bucky softly runs his hands across every inch of your skin he can touch and you bask in the affection. You card your fingers through his sweaty hair, smiling when he hums happily. It takes only a minute for you to notice the way his hands migrate to your stomach, and when you do you kiss his shoulder.

“Maybe we should go again later,” you suggest faintly.

Bucky grins. “We can do it a hundred more times if you want.”

“Guess I better enjoy it while I can.”

His smile goes soft at the edges.

It’s not lost on you how incredibly crazy all of this is. There will undoubtedly be a conversation, a much needed one that isn’t going to be simple or easy, but it’s necessary.

For now, though, you bask in Bucky’s warmth and loving embrace.

***

Keys jingle as they unlock the door and you perk up where you’re sprawled on the couch. Bucky enters, arms laden with bags from the convenience store.

“They didn’t have the banana ice cream you asked for,” he announces, continuing before your pout fully forms, “but they did have the double chocolate brownie kind you love so much, so I got that, as well as the sour gummy worms, beef jerky, and fried pickles from the deli on your list of demands.”

“What about—”

“And your strawberry Fanta,” he adds with a fond, slightly exasperated smile.

You’re unable to stop your expression from going soft and dreamy.

Ever since you and Bucky figured out where to go with your relationship, he’s been even more attentive and accommodating (and that’s saying something).

You expressed your worry about the possibility of something going wrong, that one or both of you would get bored and leave, or there’d be a big fight that neither of you could forgive. He was quick to reassure you of his commitment, told you there was no way he would ever get bored of you, and that as long as you both promise to talk things out in a calm, mature way, then you’d be alright.

It all sounded so easy when it was put like that. The more you thought about it, though, the more you realized he was right. It wasn’t fair to either of you to already give up before you’d even started. So you’d taken a deep breath and leaped.

Now, you’re five and a half months in, your belly steadily growing and making everyday life increasingly uncomfortable. The changes to your body were physically and emotionally draining, to say the least. Moreso the emotional side. You’d hoped you wouldn’t be one of those pregnant women with strange cravings, and for the most part they were pretty tame, but you do like to dip your sour gummy worms in banana ice cream. Bucky didn’t attempt to hide his disgust over that.

“What did I do to deserve you?” you ask on a pleased sigh.

He places your small cornucopia of goods on the coffee table. You sit up, huffing for breath during the struggle. You go to reach for the ice cream first, but Bucky catches your hand, lacing his fingers with yours and kissing your knuckles as he kneels in front of you.

“You were yourself. Smart, kind, selfless, unbelievably sexy.” You snort at that, but he’s undeterred. “And you’re giving me the best gift I could ever dream of. A family.”

Instantly, you’re crying. He’s grown accustomed to the mood swings by now, taking it in stride as he wipes away the tears with gentle hands.

“Stop being so disgusting,” you blubber through your hiccuping cries. “You’re such an asshole.”

Bucky laughs. “I love you too, sweetheart.”

You sniffle, kissing him. “Love you,” you grumble.

He leans down and plants the softest of kisses to your belly. “And I love you, little lady.”

The idea of you having a child one day always seemed foreign and unlikely, but life has a way of turning out exactly how it’s supposed to… And you wouldn’t change a thing.

[hannieehaee]

Hi!! I was wondering if I could request a scenario(or reaction) where maybe you had a day planned with a member but they canceled to hangout with the guys, not realizing it was your birthday. I love your writing and angst so this would be perfect 4 me 🤭 thank you!! (Also for the member, maybe hhu 👉👈)

them accidentally ditching you on your bday - hhu

hhu, vu, pu

content: angsty, gender neutral, established relationship, mingyu's is a teeny tiny bit suggestive (they're mentioned to shower together, but nothing sexual occurs), etc.

part 2

wc: 2903

a/n: sorry it took me so long to get to this T-T i liked the prompt so i wanted to write something a lil longer hehe anyways tysm for reading and for requesting <3 pls lmk if anyone wants a vocal/perf unit version!

masterlist

seungcheol -

seungcheol always had a tendency of being a tiny bit extra when it came to his birthday. he expected all friends and family to be punctual on that day with a gift and some heartfelt congratulations. if you didn't wish him happy birthday at 12am on the dot, you were just not that good of a friend to him and he'd remember that moment with disdain.

in the same way that he was extra on his own birthday, he liked to do the same for his closest loved ones. he was always ready at 12 o'clock with some words of love and appreciation ready. he'd have had the gift ready months in advance. even on other people's special day, he wanted to stand out a little; show how good of a friend he was. there were no questions to he made about your birthday. you, his favorite person in the world. if he was ever going to make a day special, it was that one. he would count down the days until its arrival. it was always such a sweet gesture from him, you thought. which was why it was very weird of him to not be present right now. or all day, for that matter.

it was your birthday. you had planned this day with seungcheol a few weeks in advance. all you wanted was a calm day with your boyfriend, even cancelling plans on friends and family who had also wanted to keep you company on your special day. you were originally just going to eat a nice dinner with your boyfriend on whichever day of the week you had off that week, not minding whether it actually fell on your birthday or not. but your boyfriend had insisted on celebrating on the exact date, even telling you to call off work, claiming he would do the same once the day came. except those plans seemed to fall through.

you'd gone to sleep a bit early, deciding not to wait on your boyfriend to arrive from dance practice and just sleep in preparation for whatever cheol had planned for tomorrow. you assumed he would wake you up upon his arrival, which wouldve been a bit before midnight. you'd woken up confused when you had looked at the clock the next morning and noticed it was 6am, not having been awoken by him, nor spotting him in your room. he always left before you woke up, but today was supposed to be a day off for him, so it was all very odd. it continued like this for a few hours, until you gave up on waiting for his arrival and just called him. it was only 10am by now, so maybe he had left for some preparations not expecting you to wake up so early, but your phone calls went unanswered. for hours. it eventually became the afternoon. you had given up on calling him at around 2 oclock, realizing he just wasn't going to show.

by 5pm, you were beyond sad. the same man who whined and pouted at you if you dared wish him a happy birthday at 12:02am had also forgotten your birthday, clearly not even having called off of work that day (you'd checked his location some hours back, he was at the hybe building). he hadn't even bothered to check his phone all day either. you weren't usually one to get emotional, but this felt like a punch in the gut. you had gone out of your way to spend the day with your boyfriend, having been promised an amazing day, but were now just some forgotten rag, less important than his usual work day.

he arrived a little earlier than yesterday. whenever he left early in the morning, he arrived in the afternoon. it was now 6pm, and you had spent the whole day moping. you grabbed the cake you'd both left in the fridge a few days back, not caring anymore and just eating it out of sadness. that might've been cheol's first guess upon walking in, as you saw his smile fall the moment he landed his eyes on you, 'happy birthday' cake sitting across from you on the coffee table.

his eyes widened at the realization, and much more at your dejected appearance, "oh my god, babe, i'm so-"

you sighed, "you don't have to say it."

he quickly approached you, dropping his bag and coat before having hung them upon his entrance, "no! fuck, i'm so fucking sorry. i have no idea how it slipped my mind, i- i forgot to call off in advance, and it threw off my entire schedule. i swear i just forgot, i'm so fucking sorry, baby," he was rambling now, probably realizing how let down you were by his slip up.

"it doesn't matter, cheol. it's just a birthday. i'll just ... i'll just celebrate with my family next week or something. don't worry about it," you knew you didn't mean your words, but you also felt it useless to try and blame cheol.

"wait! it's only six. we can still do something! do you wanna go out? i'll take you to dinner. how does that sound?"

"i ... i don't really feel like it, cheol. i think i'll just go meet up with a friend. she called me last week asking to meet up, but i cancelled on her. i just wanted to wait for you to get back before i left. i'll see you in the morning," you knew you were being a little immature, but if he had wanted to be with you, he would've put in the effort.

"oh. you're sleeping over? but i thought ..."

"yeah. i'll just see you tomorrow when you get back from practice. yeah? bye, cheol."

you left without saying much else, feeling guilty at his look of rejection. you felt badly about leaving him on his own like this, but you knew there was no way for you to spend time with your boyfriend right now without feeling like an idiot.

wonwoo -

wonwoo had never felt like more of an asshole.

wonwoo had never been too big on birthdays, specially his own. to him it was just another day. it was only his family, friends (and carats, of course) who ever made that day special to him. if it had been up to him? he would probably even forget about the day, but he had the fortune to have a lot of people in his life who loved and cared about him enough to cherish that day as if it were a national holiday. and you were one of those people. you would always shower wonwoo with love, but you'd go a little extra hard on his birthday, catering to every need you think he may have and even going as far as creating an entire itinerary of things he enjoys to do throughout the day. you were a little ray of sunshine that would somehow make him look forward to his birthday, something very uncharacteristic of him. which was why he had never felt like a bigger asshole than right now.

today was your birthday. a day which wonwoo had looked forward to for two years now. he had wanted to celebrate your following birthday with you, maybe plan something elaborate for you for once, but he had unfortunately been on tour at the time, causing you to be separated during that day. this only made him want to put even more effort into your birthday next year, which was now. today. the day in which he had ultimately forgotten your birthday.

there was not much to it. he had a nice day planned for you. he wasn't too good with surprises, so he had let you know in advance, allowing you to prepare yourself accordingly. you both had work that day, so he had planned a candlelit dinner for you, having even learned how to cook your favorite foods just to add that extra layer of care. the original plan was to come home from work early - earlier than you - and follow the recipes he had gone over with mingyu a few times over the past few weeks. it was simple, concise and direct. there was very little room for failure. but it had still somehow managed to slip his mind. he wanted to blame mingyu for his insistence in going back to their shared apartment after practice, something about some game he wanted to show him. but he couldnt blame his clueless friend, it wasnt his responsibility to know your birthday. he'd sworn he would only stay for an hour and then promptly leave to go home to you, but one hour turned into two and then three. it was a genuine slip of his mind, but that didn't make a difference.

wonwoo was quite surprised upon picking up his phone from where he'd left it charging upon arriving to his apartment, not realizing it had stayed on do not disturb the entire time. he was welcomed by a myriad of messages from you, all of them ranging in emotion.

from jagiya 💘:

(4:25) nonu?

(4:25) are you coming home soon?

(5:07) okay, its been almost an hour now. is everything okay?

(6:35) baby?

(6:48) i tried calling you already. where are you?

(6:48) just checked ur location and ur at ur apt. did you forget?

(9:02) it's been over two hours now ...

(9:15) okay, nevermind. don't come. we can just do this another day.

(9:16) i'll be out with some friends. goodnight.

his heart dropped more and more the more he read. he immediately went to call you and spam with responses, but found no reply from you. it only served him right. he would now spend the rest of the night dreading how to make it up to you, feeling the worst guilt he'd ever felt.

mingyu -

you'd always thought of mingyu as one of the sweetest men alive. he had helped you restore your faith in humanity, seeing him as the prime example of what a man should be. he was the most selfless person you'd ever met. ever since you'd begun dating (and even before that, if we're being honest), he had always been at your beck and call, providing you with anything you could possibly need. he'd love and take care of you in ways that you hadn't imagined possible. you'd never been disappointed by mingyu. but now you realize maybe you had flown too close to the sun. mingyu was just human after all. you shouldn't have felt as disappointed as you did. but you couldn't help your emotions, nor did you want to blame yourself over this.

the issue at hand was, today was your birthday. today, at least basing it on prior years, was always filled with the utmost love and affection a person could ever experience. all courtesy of one kim mingyu. he would wake you up with breakfast, rush you into the shower and hold you close to him as he washed your hair and whispered words of affirmation in your ear. he would proceed to take you somewhere pretty and have a full on photoshoot as he hyped you up from behind the camera. he would plan some special outing for the evening and end the day with a moonlit dinner from the beautiful view from his apartment's balcony. it was always such a dream. but this birthday in particular had been the outlier.

he unfortunately had a comeback on the same week of your birthday, causing his schedule to be more hectic than usual. he had a few things scheduled for your birthday itself, but knowing mingyu you knew he would at least come home to you that night and shower you with as much love as his exhausted self could. but that never came. you waited and waited, knowing mingyu's day had ended hours ago. at some point you simply gave up and called him, wondering where he was, if maybe something was wrong. however, his response was one that left you feeling dejected, something mingyu had never made you feel.

"gyu? where are you?", you'd said as soon as he picked up.

"hm? hi, baby. i'm at the shared apartment. wonwoo hyung wanted to leave early today. what's up, baby?"

not even a quick 'happy birthday'? did he really not remember? you felt kind of embarrassed at having gotten your hopes up for yet another year of special treatment from your boyfriend.

"uhh, nothing gyu. just checking in. are you staying there tonight?"

"yeah. thought it'd be easier since it's a bit closer to the company than your place. is that okay? sorry, baby. i shouldve let you know beforehand," even when he was unknowingly hurting your feelings he managed to be a sweetheart.

"it's fine, gyu. have a goodnight. you must be tired."

"okay, pretty," he giggled boyishly at the phone, fully clueless of your feelings, "sleep tight. love you!"

"yeah, bye."

you'd never hung up on him before a quick 'i love you' before. it mightve a dumb thing to even care about, but you knew that to mingyu's romantic nature it meant everything. which is why you weren't surprised when twenty minutes later your phone began to be flooded by calls and messages from the man, at first wondering why you had hung up like that, only to then evolve into him begging for forgiveness as he explained that he had forgotten your special day, and that it had taken wonwoo's reminder that your birthday fell this week for him to realize his mistake. but this was now his problem to deal with. if he wanted forgiveness, he'd have to come and get it.

vernon -

vernon had a bit of a tendency of being forgetful. it only came hand in hand with his tendency of being a little distracted while out and about. he wasn't careless by any means, but he could sometimes be too in his own world to notice what happened around him. which would sometimes get him into hot waters with you.

he hadn't noticed your hints, he swears! he didn't hear the suggestive tones nor the subtle nudges you'd been giving him for the past month. he hadn't thought much of it when you began texting him about places you two should visit soon, nor when you'd began to talk more about certain interests you'd been having as of late. he had just assumed you were trying to make conversation, so he treated it as such.

when your birthday had actually come, vernon hadn't known it was anything other than an ordinary day. he woke up, making sure to not wake you in the process. he'd gotten up, headed to the company, and followed his regular schedule. it was a particularly busy day, so going on his phone had been mostly out of the question. the two of you weren't really in the habit of texting much throughout the day, usually choosing to just catch up with each other at night when you could lay in bed together and dissect each other's days. he spent a majority of the day fully disconnected from outside contact, focusing solely on the harsh new choreo they needed to memorize for next week's awards show. he knew you were aware it was a busy time of the year for the industry he worked in, so he felt it fine to stay a little extra time today without messaging you first. this was something that happened from time to time anyway, so it shouldn'tve been a problem, right? or at least that's what he thought until he finally plucked his phone out of his bag, where it had been hiding the entire day.

from: baby 😖:

(9:23) u left so early :((

(9:23) shouldve woken me up so i could say goodbye!

(12:58) nonnie, it's been a few hours now ... did u forget something?

(1:20) no reply still?

(1:21) did you actually forget? :(

(1:21) i've been hinting at it for a month. i thought u were being obtuse on purpose :(

(1:48) can u at least come home a little early today? im sure soonyoung wont mind

(2:35) okay, ill take that as a no :(

(4:48) hansol ...

(6:12) okay, i guess you're gonna be home later than usual today.

(7:10) it's my birthday btw, in case it didnt click by now.

(7:16) maybe you should stay at the dorms tonight. not really in the mood for you to spend the night. im sorry. love you

fucking hell. vernon had never felt like more of a careless asshole. he had spent the entire day away from you, completely clueless to the fact that it was the love of his life's birthday. you weren't one to ask for much, so he knew a simple happy birthday accompanied by even just his presence for a shared meal wouldve been more than enough to make you happy. but his stupid distracted self couldn't even muster enough care for that. he wasnt sure what to do now. should he go to your apartment and beg for forgiveness? or stay here, like a dog with his tail between his legs as he pondered some way to make it up to you? all he knew was that he messed up. hugely.

a/n: i hate writing unresolved angst but uhh yeah if u want a pt 2 lmk <3

[dear-ao3]

greetings my friends, romans and fellow countrymen. the time has come once again for me to spin you a yarn of a ridiculous, but absolutely true, tale.

is it candles again, saph? nay.

delaware, then? regrettably, no.

it is a ghost.

as you may know, katya (the other mod on this account) and i have recently moved into an apartment together, which is something that should have never been allowed but alas someone gave us adult money the power to make silly decisions and we went buck wild.

said apartment is weird and old. it may have been a hotel at one point. the building is entirely crooked, and we have 70s parquet floors, popcorn ceilings and a heat lamp in our bathroom.

katya was at the apartment (hereafter referred to as "the popcorn palace") before i was and one night about a week ago called me at 9pm to say "holy shit bestie i think i just saw a mouse"

mice in apartment buildings are not uncommon. and i said as much.

katya searched the whole apartment for the mouse or evidence of mice and came up empty. it was only then that katya told me that he had been sitting in the dining room at the time of the mouse sighting and thought that he had seen it out of the corner of his eye. and, that he was prone to seeing things that weren't there. and he was also tired.

nevertheless !!! katya went down to the front desk and said hello we have a mouse and the front desk said ok bet an exterminator will be there on tuesday.

a few days goes by. there are no more mouse sightings.

and then i moved in.

the day of the move in i woke up at 6am, drove 3.5 hours with my dad blasting a playlist of billy joel, pitbull and children's music, scrubbed crusty vomit out of my sisters new dorm room's carpets for 11 hours and finally arrived at the popcorn palace at 1am. to put it simply, i was exhausted.

katya was not at the popcorn palace that night. this is a crucial detail.

i went to shower around 2am and afterwards was standing at the sink brushing my teeth. out of the corner of my eye. i see something small run across the carpet in the hall.

my first thought was holy shit its the mouse

my second thought was wait a minute did i really see it

i went into the hall, half naked, and searched for the mouse. i found nothing. and then i went to bed.

the following day when katya spawned in i said, oh by the way i may have seen the mouse, but it was 2am and i had been up for 20 hours and it was out of the corner of my eye.

and katya looked me in the eyes and said.

"hey bestie. what if its a ghost. what if we have a ghost mouse."

it is important to note that neither of us believe in ghosts.

we named the ghost mouse desperaux.

you may think this is the end of the tale, but no.

nay! weary reader!

last night katya, fennec (katyas partner) and i were all in the apartment. we were up late dealing with a situation. at about 12:50am we all said goodnight and went to bed.

i turned off the bathroom light, the hall light, and then closed my door and hopped on tumblr for a few minutes. katya and fennec were still awake and at about 1am i saw the hall light turn on. i was like hm. they must still be awake. and so i went to bed.

i woke up at 7am to get ready for work and noticed that the hall light was still on. i figured that they must have forgotten to turn it off.

i turn off the hall light on my way to the bathroom and go about business as usual. katya comes out of his room to go make coffee and i say casually.

"oh bestie, why was the hall light on all night?"

and katya says "i thought you turned it on"

and i said "i was already in my room when it turned on"

katya looked concerned.

and i said "i turned the light off before i went to bed and i heard you guys still awake and then the light went on so i figured you went into the hall and forgot to turn it off"

and then katya said, very slowly, with fear in his eyes, "we were still in my room when the light went on because fennec got up to go check that the door was locked and said "oh the hall light is on, saph must have turned it on"

we both stared at each other in mild shock horror. do we have a ghost? it seems likely. did the ghost mouse turn on the hall light? potentially.

the exterminator is coming today. hopefully he specializes in ghosts.

we will keep you updated.

[wind-up-thancred]

bit of thancred character musing under the cut that im gonna try to approximate from a 6am discord rambling into something i can actually post. both SHB and EW spoilers included

i saw some folks talking on twt about how guilt seems to be a very important factor in his life and i agree. i think a lot of major parts of his character and arcs have been due to guilt over something he did (or didnt even really do, re: the whole goobue rampage situation). it's driven him to work his ass off after louisoix which lead to him getting possessed... but its probably also what motivated him to do better for ryne after being forced to look his fuckups directly in the eye instead of just wallowing about them. but i think, at the same time, he doesnt really seem to, like... actually be proud of himself for a lot of the stuff he's done in order to work off that guilt? the biggest giveaway for that being the line in endwalker on the ragnarok where he talks about his "good deeds" cynically and seems to insist that they were never really that impactful in the first place. that they'll just go to dust when he dies.

in shb, during the ahm areng segment, not only does he talk down on himself in general, but also puts down his attempts to help OG minfilia back in the pre-ARR days... when i'm pretty sure she never even blamed him for the goobue rampage in the first place.

it's all a little bit sad to me, tbh. i've seen some people reason that, because he was only able to escape poverty due to louisoix seeing potential in his thieving skills, he's essentially internalized the idea that he's only really worth keeping around by ANYONE if he's actively being productive, either helping others or trying to fix whatever fuckups he feels he's made. i think that would explain a lot of this

note the "few positive traits" line, which to me comes across as "i was only picked up out of childhood poverty because he thought my skills were useful." though i don't really know how much of that mentality he's managed to work past by post endwalker. he IS able to go off on his own, and mentions that he trusts the scions to keep themselves safe now... but as i ranted about before, the short story points out that he's only really content to rest briefly before he feels obligated again to seek out unrest to try and help, specifically mentioning minfilia again. also, a couple times during the story, notably post ARR after his possession, mid SHB after he's wounded in a fight with sineaters, and post SHB after he passes out due to the weakening soul-body bond, he seems to dislike even having to rest for medical reasons

it's a pretty interesting part of his character to me. idk if the writers specifically had his rigorous upbringing in mind when they wrote these parts of his character, but to me it would make a lot of sense as an explanation for why he's so averse to rest and why he carries so much guilt and why he's so passionate about keeping the folks around him safe. that's kinda been his whole reason for life since he was a kid-- using his skills for the benefit of others. to him, doing anything other than that would be a waste, it seems.

idk. funny guy makes my heart hurt. yes i had all these dialogue screencaps saved and on hand. yes i am a little insane. what of it

[eemoo1o-animoo]

10 Grelle-based paraphernalia that I found on eBay, in no particular order but my subjective deeming of relevance or importance

Possibly part one of a series? Perhaps?

If so, then I probably won’t contain it to only eBay, and I’m going off of what comes up for someone who’s based in the UK, so maybe there’s more or less stuff available if you’re in other countries due to shipping limitations, etc.? But eBay at the moment is my main source, and I’m only doing this — work that anyone can do, nothing exceptionally thorough or insightful — because I’m just a little bored, and I know Grelle is the most valued in the fandom and TSOGTR hasn’t been writing itself for the past year and a quarter, so why would it start now?

This is written at 3AM-6AM on 29/8/2024, so if this is found long after this date then there’s a chance my sources have already been bought out or deleted for whatever reason.

1.

Grell Sutcliff Funko Pop 18 Kuroshitsuji Black Butler POP! Vinyl Anime Figure

At the time of writing this, there are no bids for this and so the price remains at £21.99 (item and shipping). The current bid is due to end on ≈1/9/2024. Wait for the last second to bid one pence higher than the asking price and you’re golden.

I actually have one of these, but it was gifted to me, and so I don’t know how much mine was sold for, but seeing as the four Black Butler Funko Pops have been vaulted and are sold for way higher in other places online, I think this is a pretty good deal.

(Fun fact, the person who gifted her to me as well as tracked down other cheap listings for the other three called her Greta. Consistently. So. Greta. Greta Sutcliff.)

As we can see from the item’s pictures, the figure has been taken out of its box, at the very least just to be show-cased or inspected, but it does appear to come with the box. Here is a listing on Amazon (9.99 GBP, excluding shipping) for 10 Funko Pop display sleeves that should match the item’s measurements.

The current conversions for this item’s price (18.99 GBP) are as follow:

25.06 USD

36.91 AUD

33.77 CAD

22.52 Euro

2,103.26 INR

855,31 Turkish Lira

39.92 NZD

3,623.33 Yen

Obviously I’m not including every conversion in here, only the most obvious/prevalent. If your country’s currency isn’t here, then my apologies, and feel free to bring it to my attention (with currency named) so that I may add it to any future episodes to this possible series, or to edit this post back with the conversions of that time.

2.

Black Butler PVC Keychain Grell

The description of this listing says that this is officially licensed and from one reverse image search to find a bunch of listings across several websites for it, I’m inclined to believe that this is actually an official piece of merch and not a fan-made item that is being resold as I had originally thought it to be. (Wow, I’m such a knowledgable Black Butler fan. I know, I know.)

There’s not much to say on this other than the fact that it’s cute and I think a few pence has been shaved off from the original selling price, though I’m not too sure. I imagine it would have easily gone for 8.99 GBP, but again I’m not too sure; it’s 3AM after all and this isn’t a serious project for me.

The current conversions go as followed:

11.87 USD

17.47 AUD

15.99 CAD

10.66 Euro

996.15 INR

405,49 Turkish Lira

18.90 NZD

1,715.62 Yen

3.

Grelle Black Butler manga plushie Anime Soft Toy

It’s not the best price, I admit. If you’re looking for something cheaper then maybe go for the 5" plush, and there’s another listing on AnimeWare, but once tax and shipping get evolved it ends up being more or less the same price, anyway.

I think this is under the same line as Plushlois comes from, and to that I say: if someone buys her, will that come back? Will Grelle’s face be remade by @fancymeatcomputers, as @nullbutler’s Plushlois once had?

Anyway, she’s super cute. Her hair is a bit too saturated, but that’s not much to lament over, and she’s pricey, but is still far less expensive than any available Plushlois listing I could find (£52!! Usually!!).

Here are the current conversions:

39.61 USD

58.30 AUD

53.35 CAD

35.58 Euro

3,323.16 INR

1,351.58 Turkish Lira

63.01 NZD

5,727.47 Yen

4.

Black Butler Kuroshitsuji Grell Undertaker Anime two sided Pillow Case Cover 250

I’d originally listed another pillow for listing number four, which goes for the same price, but decided not to as Grelle is more prominent on this one.

Not much to say about this other than as far as I can tell it’s just the pillowcase and not a case and a pillow, but if you want to add a lil extra something to your Grelle shrine or limit your chances of finding a normie partner by having this as the centrepiece to your 20-something pillow statement on your romantic four-post bed.

Here are the current conversions:

7.91 USD

11.64 AUD

10.65 CAD

7.10 Euro

663.67 INR

269.94 Turkish Lira

12.58 NZD

1,143.54 Yen

5.

Black butler Grell Sutcliffe figure Kuroshitsuji SEGA PVC Scale Anime s01

Another shambolic price, I know. But out of all the non-Funko Pop Grelle figures listed, this is definitely the cheapest.

Out of all of the non-Funko Pop Black Butler figures, it’s far from it. I think the cheapest figures went to Ciel and Sebastian, but with a massive gap between the cheapest Ciel figure versus the cheapest Sebastian figure (there’s a lot of listings for this particular figure, all with free shipping and of similar prices). There’s also a listing that sells Sebastian and Grelle together with free postage, which would value each figure as far less than what this one figure is being sold for.

The current conversions (of 130.22 GBP) go as follows:

172.00 USD

252.73 AUD

231.50 CAD

154.48 Euro

14,430.37 INR

5,874.98 Turkish Lira

273.31 NZD

24,865.90 Yen

6.

Black Butler Grell Sutcliff Cosplay Costume Red Death Men Full Set Outfits New

I’m not much of cosplayer or a cosplay fan, but from the few full cosplays I found that range from £40-50, this seems like a good price.

There’s also a good few listings for Grelle-style shoes? The cheapest of which would be here. And both the shoes and the clothing come in men’s sizes, so it’s a match if you ask me.

The current conversions of the cosplay’s price are:

23.76 USD

34.92 AUD

31.98 CAD

21.34 Euro

1,993.77 INR

811.52 Turkish Lira

37.76 NZD

3,435.09 Yen

7.

Kuroshitsuji Black Butler Madam Red Angelina Dalles Anime Figurine - Play Arts

Look. I know this isn’t a Grelle figure, but I assume that most if not all Grelle fans are also Madame Red fans. And you have to admit that this is a damn good price for a figure of this type. In fact, I’d say this figure is the second cheapest, right behind the aforementioned Ciel figure.

Also the seller has the username “welsh lady”. Surely it’d basically be treason if I didn’t promote it.

The conversions of the item price (6.99 GBP) go as follows:

9.23 USD

13.57 AUD

12.43 CAD

8.29 Euro

774.85 INR

315.29 Turkish Lira

14.68 NZD

1,336.09 Yen

8.

USED Dolk Black Butler Book of Circus Grell Sutcliff Cast Doll 700mm Japan RARE

This is a fucking awful price. It hurts just to imagine buying this. However, it seems like a rare or custom-made doll, in a fancy box, and it was the only listing I could find of it, meaning it’s not a re-sell.

There’s not much to say — as you can see I ranked it pretty low on the relevancy scale, but I don’t know: maybe someone’s into this sort of thing, especially if it comes to Grelle.

The item prices are converted as follows:

2,805.52 USD

4,123.16 AUD

3,776.66 CAD

2,519.24 Euro

235,385.31 INR

95,779.75 Turkish Lira

4,458.47 NZD

405,826.75 Yen

9.

1 x playing card Black Butler Anime Sebastian Michaelis - Jack of Hearts ZT 85

For one playing card, to me this price seems ghastly. There’s also a Sebastian variant for the exact same price, but that’s all I can find in this style. The other listings for Black Butler playing cards aren’t in this style, coming wholly in colour with patterned frames. As far as I can see, on eBay there are only two listings for this type of playing card, and I’ve already linked them both to this post.

The current conversions of the item price (2.49 GBP) are:

3.29 USD

4.83 AUD

4.43 CAD

2.95 Euro

276.04 INR

112,34 Turkish Lira

5.23 NZD

476.23 Yen

10.

Black Butler Ceramic Mug Grell, Sebastian

There’s a more expensive mug with just Grelle on it that I’d contemplated listing here instead. (And, hey! From Germany, too. The TSOGTR imagery just won’t quit.) But this one is cheaper.

Besides, enough scrubbing with some iron wool will get rid of that ugly demon mug (no pun intended) in no time, surely!

The current conversions go as follows:

19.62 USD

28.84 AUD

26.41 CAD

17.62 Euro

1,646.22 INR

669,76 Turkish Lira

31.17 NZD

2,841.32 Yen

[rafedaddy01]

Pt1

Notes: here is the long awaited pt2, I’m sorry it took so long. I’ve been active but I haven’t had the chance to sit down and write this until now. Ps. I didn’t double check for spelling errors so if you see any just 🤫

Last night was strange. I try to push the embarrassing thoughts from invading my mind as i stir in bed, the sun coming up and painting the room.

Our exchange was awkward if anything more. he just eyed me up and down and smirked as i burst out of the room and shut the door. i slid down onto the floor and just sat there for a minute trying to process what i just saw.

Ive never been with a boy let alone seen one naked. Especially one that looks like THAT!

oof, i knew rafe cameron would be good looking but i expected him to look like all the rich, silver-spoon, snobs ive met. But no. he was god like. His hair was slicked back and his eyes roamed my body from the mirror dangerously, i could see the blue in them from where i was standing and they were mesmerizing. His facial features are sculpted to perfection and his abs. Oh. My. God.

and then there was his -dick- gross i dont like that word, but there it was. just staring at me. ive never seen one, besides in porn. Im not a prude i know what sex is and yes i indulge in my own sexual pleasure, but ive never actually seen one in person beofre, but if they all look like that then sign me up!

I groan as my alarm rings at 6am sharp. I always get up early because i like the morning peace. back home i would climb the roof of our manor and watch as the sun rose. it was my own private meditation and helped ease some of the stress my parents enforced on me as a 18 year old.

I walk to the bathroom rubbing my eyes and yawning, i dont expect anyone to be up at this time and i want to relax in the shower.

"Oh my god! dont you ever lock the door?" i say as i take a step back and shut the door. I could hear his deep laugh from the other side as he walked up an dopened the door. "dont worry, pretty girl, im all dressed this time" i could feel his smirk even though my hands were still covering my eyes.

i let them fall and hes right hes very much clothed. shame, wait what am i thinking! I take him in, hes wearing a bright orange shirt that as small white stripes on it and cargo shorts, his hair is slicked back with gel like last night, oh god last night. my eyes shift down to his crotch. is he.. hard?' "see something you like pretty girl?" he cocks an eyebrow at me as he leans on the door frame. "i sure do" he says smugly

oh shoots, i forgot im still wearing my sleepwear, its a black lacy bralette and matching panties, i dont like sleeping with clothes on it gets too hot. im instantly aware of how exposed i am and rush for a hoodie from my luggage, it wont cover much but it drops to just above my thighs and its better than nothing "sorry" i murmur, "dont be, its only fair i see you naked now" he says as he walks into my room and exits through my bedroom door.

"see you at breakfast? shame i missed dinner last night, i was looking forward to meeting you miss Morales" he stops in the doorway and says this before leaving

i cant help but blush. is rafe flirting with me?

i shake it off and go back to my morning routine, i take a shower and wash myself with the same cedarwood and ginger shampoo i did last night and put on some baggy jeans and hoodie as i make my way to breakfast.

"good morning Avery" ward says as they all sit in the same seats from last night, except rafe is here and his seat is right next to mine. fuck.

"you havent met rafe yet, our eldest" ward syas as i take a seat next to him "oh weve met dad" rafe answers as he smiles at me

"good, youll be showing her around school next week, ive already arranged it and youll have all the same classes. I want her to feel welcomed in this town rafe, her father is an important man and were proud to be helping the Morales's" ward explains.

shit i completly forgot about school. high school. senior year. New people, rich pricks and bitchy girls. I am so not ready.

"we still on for today?' i ask sarah as we eat our pancakes. "yes!' she says excitedly

"whats today" rafe asks

sarah rolls her eyes and i can sense the tension between the two, they do not like each other thats for sure

"im showing avery around the island and introducing her to some friends." sarah says

rafe scoffs "you call those dirty pouges friends" he says crossing his arms over his chest "i dont know why you hangout with them sarah" he snaps at her "because their good people rafe, something you dont know how to be" she slightly yells "kids!' ward warns. they both grumble as rafe pushes his seat back and storms off, breakfast barely touched. wheezie sits there like nothing just happened and sips her juice. shit this family is a little crazy, theres definatly more to their story.

After breakfast me and sarah head into town on some bikes, its not a long ride and we reach a restaurant type of building. "kie" sarah says as she walks up to a tan skinned girl with curly hair whose smile lights up the whole room "this isavery, shes staying with us for a while" there it is again, a while, i sure hope not. "nice to meet you" i say extending my hand, kie pushing it away and brings me in to a tight bear hug, i do not like being touched but i let it slide its oddly comforting. "im kie or kiara" she explains.

we spend some time chatting and kie explains that this restaurant is her parents and she helps run it. we get to know each other a little more and then sarah decides to introduce me to the rest of her gang.

we pull up to a cheatue house in kies car and exit. "hey, wasss up kook queen" a boys voice beams as he brings sarah in to a tight hug. hes cute, in a boy next door kind of way, his features are pretty and its not my type but his charming personality is interesting, ingiging almsot. "Im JJ" he bows to me and takes a hand kissing the top of it "Avery" i giggle at his antics and he winks. "this is John B and Pope" sarah says as we walk up furtuer to the house and there are two boys sitting drinking beers. "sup" they say as i walk up.

"so what brings you to a shithole like this" John B asks, he has his arm around sarah, they are clearly cozy. "Im orginially from California, a small town Nevada City, my dad opened one of the banks there and its gradually increased and become nationwide so we moved here for business purposes but im staying with the camerons until my parents settle some business back in cali" i explain

"so your a kook? shame" jj speaks my eyebrows scrunch as i look at sarah "whats a kook?" i ask. they all laugh as if im some stupid little girl, "a kook is those who live on the fancy side of town, hangout at the country club and spend daddys money, like rafe" he looks over to sarah "no offense, princess" "none taken" she laughs as she drinks her beer. "and pouges" pope speaks up, finally, "are us. the low lifes, who have to work two jobs to have a stable life and survive" he says. the group goes quiet and its odd. they have names for the groups in the town, it all seems like its straight out a movie and theres a rivalry between the two, its obvious. the way jj described the kooks with such hatred.

"but stick with us baby girl and well teach you the right way" jj says slinging an arm around me and dangling a beer in front of me

for the third time, i do not like being touched, but theres a calming in his presence, its not like rafe who excites and frightens me at the same time.

"count me in!" i beam as i take the beer from him and crack it open. tilting my head back and gulping down the liquid "thats it! woo!" jj shouts as he stands up and does the tarzan pose and hits his chest "P4L" they all chant as jj down his beer.

the rest of the day was spent with the pouges as they call themselves and me and and sarah go back home towards the evening

"did you two have fun" rafe asks as we pass him outside. hes leaning on the door frame with a smug smirk on his face "dont start rafe" she says as she walks past him "i told dad about your little adventure today, hes not happy" rafe says smiling as he eyes me down "really rafe, your such a dick" sarah pouts as she runs inside. he eyes me one more time before walking past me and inside

i dont know what it is about rafe but he intriging, its like something is pulling me in towards him. the way he stares at me makes my knees weak and my hurt beat faster. i realize the shampoo i use is his as his smells wafts off him when he walks by "oh by the way Avery, i like when you use my shampoo. it smells good on you" he stops in the doorway behind me and takes a deep inhale of my black locks

what am i gonna do with him, hes very straight forward and my body craves him in a way that ive never experienced, its dangerous and exhilarating all in one.

i head back to my room and pass by the study, i hear ward an sarah arguing. "this i important sarah! you cant ruin this for us. this is business and taking her on the cut can put her in serious danger. stop hanging out with those dirty pogues and get your head out of the gutter!" ward shouts "whatever dad, theyll always be mor of a family then you, and maybe she fits in with us!" sarah shouts back then theres a slam of the front door and sarahs gone

i take a deep breath as i head back up the stairs and into my room. what does he mean i could get hurt? what is nobody telling me? where are my parents and what the fuck is going on?

@f4ll-for-you @v21sstuff @rafeysworldim19 @baby19sthings @eventualoptimism @drewstarkeysbae @sevenwivesofrafecameron @rxfecameronsslut @findapenny @r1vrsefx

[sopebubbles]

Chapter twelve coming Thursday August 3rd, 6am CT/8pm kst

Chapter summary: yoongi takes you on a date

Warnings: slight angst (mostly talking about her past), mentions of past abuse, homelessness, fear of abandonment

Honestly yall its a lot of yoongi and oc being freakin soft 😩

Teaser below the cut

Once you got settled in the front seat, Yoongi cleared his throat before he started the engine. "This is for you," he said as he handed you a brand new Samsung phone.

"Oh, I–"

"Before you say you don't need it, just consider that it's for me. I want you to make sure that you have it with you and it's on all the time. I told you that it's important for me to know where you are, so I can keep you safe, so you need a phone. And don't worry, it's not like the newest model or anything. Besides, remember you're agreed to let me provide for you. So just accept it. It has all of the pack's numbers saved already, in case you ever need one of them, and they all have your number already. I'm your emergency contact," he rambled.

Instead of offering any protest you smiled softly and unbuckled your seat belt to lean over and kiss him on the cheek. "Thank you, alpha," you said before you leaned back into your spot. You may have wanted to refuse, but he was right, it was for him and not you, not really. If he needed you to carry this thing around in order to feel more secure, that shouldn't be hard for you.

You weren't prepared for more gifts when you got to the drive-in. When you found a spot to park, Yoongi told you to wait while he got out of the car and went to the trunk. You looked anxiously through the back window, but couldn't see anything that gave away what he was doing. Eventually he pushed a large gift bag and picnic basket through his open car door before he joined you again.

"What's all this?" You wondered, looking at the tissue paper sticking out of the huge bag at your eye level.

"Why don't you open it and see?" He teased.

You narrowed your eyes at him as you got up on your knees to be able to look over the bag, but your scrutiny only made him smile. Pulling out the paper piece by piece revealed two soft round pillows inside, one lavender and one orange.

"I figured you needed some pillows for your nest. I thought these could remind you of me and Jiminie."

Your cheeks and your eyes burned as you pulled out the two pillows, almost ball-like except for how plush they were. They squeezed nicely in your arms when you held them to your chest.

"Do you think they'll be okay?" Yoongi asked, beginning to feel nervous when you didn't say anything.

You buried your head in them to hide your wet eyes. "They're perfect." Your words were muffled, but they still warmed Yoongi's heart. When you collected yourself, you placed the pillows safely back in the bag and set it aside. "What's in the basket?"

"Oh, I asked Hobi to put together some snacks for us. But if there are any other treats you want, I'll go get something from the concession stand." Yoongi opened the top of the basket and you both reached for the box of raisinets at the same time. You whispered an apology while Yoongi plucked them out. He opened the box and handed it to you. "I'm going to go get some popcorn. Do you have a drink preference?"

You shook your head and he got out once again to go get more snacks. You shoved a few raisinets into your mouth and put the rest away. Then you pulled out the soft orange pillow from the gift bag at your feet and held it close again. You wondered if he'd already scented it, or if it was your imagination that applied the orange aroma.

The longer he was gone, your mind began to wander. It was hard not to think about all the first things you were experiencing lately. Your very first completely safe, self-made nest, your first drive-in movie, your first date. It had felt like you'd been living for years in the most raw way possible, but maybe all you'd done was survive, and only barely. These new things seemed so small and insignificant to you when they were only abstract ideas, things you would live without because you didn't need them to survive, but now they felt monumentally important as each one carved a memory in your heart. And each one was available to you only because of Yoongi.

[shadyhouse]

im really really sick of struggling with finances so hard like im really feeling like my life is spiralling out of control suddenly, finding a new job is an absolute nightmare. like im going to a job interview today but i am 100% expecting them to tell me they only pay like $10/hr or something. its gonna be a total waste of time. like even when i find a job and go to an interview theres SOMETHING that makes it so its impossible.

i went to an interview recently where on the indeed listing they said the shifts start at 9am but in reality shifts start at 4am????? i can barely get out of bed enough as it is at my current job where i have to WAKE UP at 4am to get there in time for 6am, i dont even have access to a car on top of everything!!! im forced to work at places that are within my bus route, which is like.... nothing. nothing at all. retail and food service and warehouses and nothing else.

i THOUGHT i was gonna start a career at my last job being a dog groomer but that was a nightmare too!!! my coworkers and boss did not like me and they actively discriminated against me bc i was the only man there and im also trans and they thought that was hilarious. they treated me very differently than how they treat all other men. they said the most awful shit about me both when i wasnt there and when i was right in the room!!! i was responsible for more work than all of them combined but none of that ever mattered and i was even paid a lower wage than other people who got hired around the same time as me. i found out about it and told the manager. they fucking cut my hours after that. like this is the kind of thing ive had to deal with for YEARS at various jobs like i just want to be treated fairly at work!!!!!

the job interview i have today is for dog grooming (bathing 🙄) too but at a different place bc i figure if im going to be miserable at work i mind as well do something that makes me feel like im doing something important at least. and something that i know how to do somewhat confidently. maybe itll work out. maybe not .... i just need SOMETHING to go right in my professional life bc i cannot keep doing morning shifts at a gas station 😭😭

[bandzboy]

i'm so worried abt soobin like the fact he wrote a handwritten letter & posted it makes me feel so sad.. he shouldn't have had to do that but i understand it was mostly for moas sake. & all i see on twt is moas downplaying it & not treating his situation as anything serious which is pissing me tf off. honestly kpop twt is just a whole shitshow in general but it still somehow leaves me in disbelief how ppl ignore things & would rather fight abt stupid shit than worry abt what's happening to their favs & the emotional & physically things they're going through. like beomgyu literally hurt his foot a few months back & even then he barely got a break???? they scream abt wanting them to have a break and rest but then ignore everything a day later like what???? srry for venting in ur asks but everything that's been happening to these idols is rlly upsetting & the fact these companies keep treating them like objects instead of humans makes me mad, the same way "their fans" try to preach they're not doing but literally treat them the way their company expects, which is like an object. also srry if none of this makes sense its 6am, i should sleep anyways gn thanks for reading all this & srry again for ranting. 😭

don't feel bad for ranting this is all very valid! also i totally forgot beomgyu hurt his foot a while ago and he didn't get proper time to rest for that either omfg but yeah, the way twt stans react to these situations always leaves me in disbelief. they are gonna try to get hit tweets out of this situation and not even do anything about it. i already see tweets on my for you tab of just that and i know for a fact these people don't care about their well being at all.

what i keep learning time and time again, is that kpop fans just want entertainment and to not talk about how bad this industry is towards idols. i feel like, as fans, we should always acknowledge that while we consume their music and see their performances and also consume content. this is a conversation that should be had in our space and should be taken seriously but i remember a while back when my moa mutuals and i were concerned about them having yet another comeback and other moas on twt were telling the moas that were concerned to not talk about it because we were "ruining the mood" and we should be "happy" for them. it's mind boggling because i can't be happy in this situation knowing they had to rehearse for a comeback while also preparing for a tour and, as much these people wanna make you believe this is normal, it's not.

now we got to an extreme situation which was a member going on hiatus and it being the leader it makes everything more complicated and hard. i knew the minute soobin did a handwritten letter and posted it that this situation was definitely very serious and i think it's finally dawning on everyone that it is very serious because beomgyu was crying on live in front of thousands of fans and i don't think this would happen unless he wasn't very affected as well. i hate how moas on twt are gonna treat this as another "cute" moment that proves how close they are and not as something severe that needs to be actually discussed as a fandom. we could absolutely fight for their rights but these people would rather not talk about it because they are so concerned about their own entertainment and interests that they end up seeing txt as just that: a source of entertainment and not humans.

as you know, i'm constantly advocating for a hybe boycott (i think it's obvious by now kdjgkd) but days ago, there was this anti boycotter moa that posted a notes app rant about how a boycott would hurt txt and even went on to call them "products" and i don't even know if they realized they did it but i feel like that was a slip and that's how they genuinely see them. these kpop twt stans talk like music executives. they are constantly bringing up stats, stream numbers and album sales like that's so god damn important. we have a member that went on hiatus recently and this is all you care about? truly just depraved. i was once again reminded how this mass streaming/mass consumption culture that is so present in kpop nowadays is destroying kpop stans view on idols to the point they don't even realize they are dehumanizing idols. it's very bleak and i just wanna do everything i can to help.

this year has been a mess for kpop. that's why most of the year i was so disconnected to it because i was not enjoying any release because there was always some sort of problem happening. there's a humongous list of bad things that happened that just outweighed the good ones and from what i've seen, a lot of people agree on this. working with zionists, kicking out idols out of groups for dating, overworking them, mistreating them, the media going on a witch hunt to tear down anybody and anyone, the hybe vs min heejin debacle that ended up involving groups that didn't need to be involved and i could go on because this is what i remember from the top of my head (lmao).

all of this to say... we should do better. we should 100% try to get these companies to us no matter what. i feel like these situations will get worse since these companies are getting more and more desperate for money since many of them have huge debts and so what will happen is that idols will get even more overworked and mistreated and we need to actually speak up and take action. boycotting is one of them, talking about it constantly is another, and mobilizing people in any way also helps. if you are not happy about these situations just do something! just do anything!

[be-co-me]

Party Foul

Terushima Yuuji

A/N: I've had this in the works for two years now! I decided to finish it off tonight and will edit it later. Thank you all for being patient with me as I do write slowly. I have a LOT of things going on in my life between work and college, so I appreciate the patience!

5.6k Words

Summary: You meet the life of the party at your mundane coffee shop job on campus. You get invited to a party that takes an awry turn.

...

Your morning job at the most popular coffee house on campus proved useful as you needed money for your small time volleyball club, the money now going towards club tee shirts for rush week. The men's team was one of the most watched on campus, gaining trophy after trophy while your club hid in the shadows. It was a small time club, co-gendered, for the outcasts that couldn't be on a team and the men who didn't make it into the big leagues.

Your shift usually went from 6am to 12pm, and then you went to whatever classes the day brought on; volleyball club, and then home to binge watch whatever show sounded appealing at the time. Today was one of those busy days and hopefully tonight when you showed up to club, you'd be lucky enough to have a few more applicants. As of now there weren't very many people.

The morning shift was usually extremely slow. You served around ten people an hour, giving you time to slave away over your colossal amount of homework, occasionally serving coffees, teas, and pastries to sleep hungry patrons.

You were finally able to reserve the courts for your club to play. Usually the men's team ended up being deemed more important as their many upcoming tournaments required much more practice than usual, resulting in your club being kicked off of the court, late notice. Today you hadn't heard from the men's team's manager, therefore club tonight was still a go.

You leaned slackly onto the counter, daydreaming into your textbook, trying to finish whatever homework you could as early as possible. You'd like to think of yourself as a model student, a 3.75 GPA, only tainted by one extra credit assignment not submitted by your teacher in time, a last ditch effort to turn a B into an A. You were getting a master's degree, told that once you got your bachelor's, if you did well enough, they would pay for your master's degree and land you a job while you attended school.

A patient cough led you out of your daydreaming and you eyed the culprit in alarm.

"Sorry! Got kind of distracted there." you said possibly a little too loud, a nervous smile creeping its way onto your face.

"That's alright! We've all gotta find some time to do our homework anywhere that we can." he responded, a nervous smile laid across his lips as well, long fingers rubbing the back of his neck.

"Isn't that the truth? Anyways, what can I get for ya?" you asked, positioning yourself in front of the small outdated iPad deemed worthy of becoming a point of sales system.

He eyed the menu, seemingly wanting to stray from his usual order. After a few seconds of eyeing the menu, his eyes met yours.

"Um, I guess I'll have a cold brew please. And could you add some vanilla? And also oat milk instead of whole. Not a huge fan of milk." he said, a small laugh filling the otherwise silent air. His fingers continued brushing through to his hair.

"I'm not too big a fan of regular milk either. Oat milk is the best choice! Anything else for today?" you asked. His eyes, again, met yours for a few seconds, then glanced back to the menu. Your eyes lingered on his face, his attractiveness only now beginning to make itself known to you. His tongue peeked out between his lips, his tongue piercing making itself known as it clinked against his teeth. The feeling of butterflies began to pool warmly into your stomach.

His eyes met yours once again, his lips pursed almost as if he wanted to say something but wasn't sure if he had wanted to. It seemed he had finally decided to do so when his mouth opened again.

"Have you had a coffee yet? Or tea? It's quite early and you seem like you could use it." he said, hand removed from his hair, a long finger pointing towards your battered textbook.

Your eyes followed where he was pointing, meeting your textbook, before looking into his nervous ones again.

"I haven't yet, but I could always get one before heading off to class." you replied, waving off his question. Was he going to buy you one? He didn't have to do that. You could always make the excuse that you got them for free, so he didn't have to buy you one, but if your boss saw you taking a coffee, he would surely have an aneurysm. Then again, a hot stranger buying you coffee wasn't the worst your previously uneventful morning could go...

"Let me buy you one. I'm sure you could use it after working and also having class. It's my good deed of the day." he responded. Well... you'd be silly to not take him up on his offer. You responded with a nod.

"What would you like to get for me?" you asked. You didn't want to order your usual drink, while quite cheap and tasty, his drink of choice was a bit cheaper than your own. You wouldn't want to seem like you're high balling a coffee off of him. Especially after you've only just met.

"Get your usual. I'm sure you have one if you're working here." he responded, pointing around the coffee shop. You nodded, entering in your usual order, he insisted after all, also with an oat milk substitute.

"1468.36¥ please. (10.56 USD)" you said. He pushed a debit card across the counter and you picked it up, sliding it.

"Don't worry about the tip or anything. Just sign for me." you stated, turning around to make the coffees. You put extra attention into his own, more than the usual customer would get. You heard the small printer print it's usual slip of paper and he ripped it off, shoving it into his jacket pocket. Your poor attempt at "latte" art on the top of his coffee showed your attention and you slid it across the counter to him with the lid off so he could admire your work.

"Not too bad. I haven't had any art on my coffees yet, especially with the cold foam on top of the cold brew. I'd imagine that's pretty hard to do." he said.

"Yeah. It's a little difficult. A lot of popular coffee shops says it isn't possible, but you never know until you try." you said, the atmosphere's tension seeming to ease as your conversation went on. You exchanged a few more brief words with him before he eyed his watch, nearing 8:00, he shortened his goodbyes as he began his hasty rush to class, a "see you again" mixed into his sentence. You smiled.

Your eyes met the iPad he had signed on to see quite a hefty tip for a couple of coffees and a bit of guilt pooled into your stomach. You hadn't forced him to, even told him not to leave a tip, yet he had anyways. You smiled even wider, exiting out of the system before your eyes met your textbook once again, finishing off your reading assignment before your first class, sipping on your sloppily made coffee that you didn't put near as much attention into.

...

It was in your third class of the day, a large lecture hall full of people wishing they weren't forced to take a general biology course. You saw a blonde mop of hair, sipping on a coffee from the coffee shop, who looked eerily similar to the boy you had met this morning. Once he turned his head to ease into conversation with the boy next to him did you see it was, in fact, him. He was now rid of the jacket and scarf he had been wearing earlier in the morning.

You were sure you would have noticed someone like him before in class. You tended to sit in the back and observe. No heads could block your view of the board due to the raised level of your seat in the lecture hall, even if you did have to squint your eyes slightly to see the words.

His head cocked back to look behind him briefly and he turned to face forward again. Seconds later, though, his wide eyes met your own and he smiled brightly and waved towards your direction. You smiled and waved back, picking your coffee up so he could see it. He held a thumbs up.

"Terushima, can you please pay attention to the lecture?" the professor paused, and he abashedly turned to face the board, and you sunk behind your own laptop.

Once class had let out, as you packed your things, you noticed he had stayed behind, making his way up the steps through the throngs of people, to where you were seated. You made eye contact with him when he finally had made it a few feet away.

You stood, throwing your backpack over your shoulder, and walked out of class with him, throwing your now empty coffee cup into the recycling bin. You walked in silence for some time before he finally spoke.

"So... What are your plans after your classes for the day?" he asked. You stopped walking once you made it outside, his tall stature keeping the sun out of your eyes.

"I have club tonight. If we don't get kicked out of the gym again that is. But I haven't heard anything yet." you responded with a shrug of your shoulders. You were really hopeful that this week you could get a couple of games in as you hadn't had the chance to play for nearly three weeks.

"Why would you be kicked out of the gym?" he asked, shifting his weight onto his other leg.

"Well, I run a small volleyball club, because the women can't have an official team and the men who still want to play, but don't make it on the official team, join this club. We get kicked off the court pretty often when the official men's team has tournaments coming up though. I admire their persistence, but I want to play as well." you said. His mouth was slightly agape and his eyes had slightly widened at your comment.

"They really kick you off?" he asked, leaning ever so slightly closer to you. He sounded guilty.

"Yeah. But like I said, I admire their perseverance to win and play. I'm a little jealous of it in fact. I wish I could go to an actual tournament and play at some point in college. I wish they'd allow our team to." you told him. He nodded, quiet again for a few moments.

"I could maybe work something out for you. You said you have a meeting tonight right?" he asked, a sly smile finding his lips. You nodded.

"Can I come play too?" he asked. You shrugged, nodding once more.

"Sure, anyone can come try it out. We need some more people anyways. You'd do well since you're tall. You could block and spike. I bet you'd be good at that. Do you have any experience?" And that was the question to start it all.

"Let's just say, I've played a bit." he responded, that sly grin fully at its wake now.

...

Your meet up location was in the coffee shop, once your classes had all let up and he finished whatever his day brought to him, at 6pm. You rushed through the small plaza leading into the cafeteria's colossal range of fast foods and drinks, pulling the heavy glass door open.

You walked into the coffee shop area, giving a quick wave to your coworker once her eyes met yours. She returned an excited wave. You looked around the many patrons sitting amongst the many tables, scanning for the same mop of sandy hair.

You heard a whistle and looked towards it, your eyes meeting his. He smiled and waved you over. His sturdy frame leaned against a pole, discarding his cell phone into his jacket pocket.

"Wanna get anything to eat or drink before we go play?" he asked. You shrugged.

"If you want to. I ate a little while ago, so I'm not really all that hungry. If you'd like, I can repay you for this morning." you responded.

"I'm all good if you are. Maybe after we play we can." he stated, readjusting his bag onto his shoulder. You nodded, beginning your trek to the gym. It was about a six to eight minute walk through the large campus and you chatted idly about your boring bio lecture on the way.

You told him what your major was, and you were sort of excited to hear he had gone into a master's degree program as well. Even better though, you were both in the same year.

You opened the door to the old gym and pushed it further open behind you for him to enter. You walked through the hallway and into the gym, setting your things down onto the stage.

"Wanna help me put the net up?" you asked. No one from club had arrived yet as it was still a bit early. Club didn't start until 7.

"Yeah! I'll help you out." he responded. You walked to the other side of the gym, going to the supply room, which held the cart containing everything you would need to put up the net.

You pulled a heavy pole off of the cart, him doing the same as you anchored it into it's designated slot in the floor. You looked up as he did the same, making sure the pole was adjusted to the correct height. You then grabbed the net together, unfolding it and lining it up on either side and attaching it to the poles. You tightened it and looked up to make sure he didn't need any help. He did it perfectly.

You quickly attached the safety pads and the antenna, the doors revealing the first patrons to show up to your club. Hopefully everyone would show up tonight. You didn't have a coach either so it was really left to you. You quickly ran back to the storage room, grabbing the ball cart and pushing it onto the court. At least you had a ball cart.

You grabbed a few of the balls and began tossing them to the club members so they could warm up, together or in their lonesome. There was still fifteen minutes before club actually started. You grabbed one for yourself and eyed Terushima.

"Wanna warm up together?" you asked. He nodded, and you took your place across from him bumping and setting the ball across the court from each other. He was good at it and you began to get suspicious.

Eventually, it came time to start club. You had twenty people including yourself and Terushima, definitely better than the ten or so that usually showed up. You hoisted yourself onto the stage, whistling to gain everyone's attention.

"Welcome everyone! I'm excited to see we have more people joining us this evening. I was thinking today that we would split off into separate teams and play a few games. I know we haven't seen each other in quite a while, so definitely warm up first, but go ahead and pair up into teams. We should have three teams of six and one of five which I will join, pick your positions carefully." you finished, hopping off of the stage, watching as everyone paired up.

You began to practice and warm up with Terushima. You reflected on how interesting your day had become since he walked into the coffee shop that morning. Usually your day consisted of the same old things and it got quite boring, quite fast.

"So when did you start playing?" he piped up, setting the ball towards you.

"Well, probably towards the end of high school is when I got pretty interested in sports and playing volleyball, but I wasn't great. I made it onto the team but was pretty much a permanent bench warmer." you laughed, passing the ball back towards his direction.

"I'd say you play pretty well for pretty much a newbie." he responded. You set the ball towards him, a question brewing in your mind. Maybe you could get some answers to your suspicions.

"When did you start playing?" you asked in return. Now that you thought about it, you hadn't shown him how to do anything at all. He pretty much jumped straight in.

"Since grade school. I've been a fan of it since then." he responded. You passed the ball quietly back and forth until you were warmed up, everyone beginning to gather into their selected groups. Terushima, of course, was on your team.

"Alright, two teams to a court of course" you told them, everyone picking a court to play on. You could really jump into playing whenever you wanted. You set your team up and got ready to play. You always played back row and developed your skills in defense and setting quite well over the few years you have played. The role of libero fit you well.

Terushima started off with serving the ball and seeing the serve fly over the net was insane. You didn't know someone could serve a ball like that. You were scared, but also excited at the thought of possibly being on the receiving end at some point. The same surprise arose again when he spiked, completely clearing the blockers on the opposing team.

"What is up with you? You're really good at this." you asked. What was he hiding from you?

"Oh... I'm on the men's team." he responded, a little too casually. You stood in awe and bewilderment before responding.

"Why wouldn't you tell me that?!" his eyes met your own and he smiled, shrugging his shoulders. You continued playing and won the game by a landslide, the same events occurring until you finished your allotted time for the club. A bruise making its way onto your arms after receiving one of his spikes.

After some iffy fast food you ate ate the cafeteria, you parted ways. You had the same lecture together daily, so you were sure you would see him again.

...

The next morning, whilst you didn't have to work at the coffee shop, you still ran late to your lecture. Ten minutes late in fact. You hadn't been late before, but you fell asleep at your desk doing homework and missed your first two classes.

You were terrified to go into the lecture, around eighty people would stare at you as you walked shamefully to the back of the lecture hall. You wish you had stopped for a coffee if you were already going to be late anyways.

You huffed a deep breath, heaving the lecture hall door open as quietly as possible, making eye contact with your professor. You sheepishly walked through the lecture hall as quickly as you could. You felt as if everyone was staring, when in reality, they could absolutely care less than to spare a glance at you.

You looked up as you neared your seat and Terushima's widened eyes met your own. You smiled, your cheeks a bit red from the embarrassment, and sat in your seat. You quickly took your laptop out and pulled up the material the class was currently on.

About five minutes later, Terushima shuffled up to the vacant seat in front of your own. He donned two coffees on his desk, one eerily resembling your usual. Your suspicions were confirmed when he placed it on your desk. You gawked at him.

"I didn't think you'd show up." he said. You leaned down so you could hear him better and he could hear your own words.

"I fell asleep at my desk doing homework and didn't set an alarm." you whispered. Your eyes met the coffee now sitting on your desk. "Thank you for the coffee. You didn't have to do that. How'd you remember my order anyways? I never told it to you." you told him.

He pulled a receipt from his pocket and you realized when he paid he had gotten a copy of it and your order was printed neatly onto it. You looked up and the professor's stern eyes met your own. You slowly leaned back into your chair, picking the coffee up and hiding behind your laptop for the remainder of the lecture.

...

After lecture, you asked Terushima for the notes you had missed, catching up at the coffee shop with the coffees he had bought that morning. Once you finished, you really didn't know what to do for the rest of the day.

"So, uh..." Terushima said, his hand brushing behind his neck. "My fraternity is having a party tonight and if you aren't doing anything you're invited. It's pretty much your usual frat party, but we have a sand court and a pool so it'll probably be pretty big." he blurted out, awaiting your response.

You thought for a second. You didn't have any homework tonight, it was Thursday and you didn't have any classes or work tomorrow, and you really didn't have any plans for the evening.

You shrugged your shoulders. "Yeah, I'll go." you responded. He smiled, spouting out the details of the party.

You began to get antsy and excited. What would you wear? Did you have any swimsuits that weren't dingy? You didn't really swim besides with your family. What alcohol would you bring? Did you need to bring any at all?

You swooped into the liquor store on the corner of the street your apartment was on, picking up a twelve pack of whatever you had seen everyone raging about lately. You needed to contribute something.

You then burst into your apartment, telling your roommate it was all hands on deck and you needed to find something cute to wear, but also comfy as you were sure you would end up playing some volleyball.

Once you settled on your clothes, you found yourself in front of your mirror, the makeup you had previously applied quite faded. If it was a party where you would swim, should you wear any makeup? Would it look like you were trying too hard? Maybe a small amount that looked natural? You settled on that and quickly swiped some on.

You then came to your hair, scrolling through Pinterest for some cute hairstyles. Your roommate offered some help and settled on something half up half down. Your roommate looked at he master work and gave you a thumbs up. You eyed the time on your phone. You had thirty minutes before the party technically started.

You decided you would walk there instead of driving. You weren't one to drink much, but also hadn't been to a campus party besides something small for Halloween the prior year. You scrolled your phone as you walked through campus, making your way to the aforementioned fraternity house. Before rounding the street corner, you could already hear music blaring.

You walked to the front door, already open from the people who entered before you and eyed around. You texted Terushima, who had given you his number to send you the notes. A few minutes later, you eyed him shoving through the crowd and making his way to you. You smiled and stuffed your phone into your pocket.

"Finally made it. What'd you bring?" he asked, pointing to the twelve pack in your hand. You hoisted it up so he could get a better look. "Just whatever was popular. I've been wanting to try these anyways." you responded. He took them from your hands.

"Let's put them in the refrigerator so they stay cold. I'll show you around the house." he responded. You followed him, staying close behind and bumped shoulders with a few people, muttering apologies they didn't seem to hear over the music.

You fished a drink out of the box before putting them away, Terushima already sporting a bottle of some domestic beer. He gave you a run down tour of the three story house. It was nicer than you thought a fraternity house would be. You imagined a nasty house, as you'd heard many of the other fraternities had donned. You thankfully hadn't seen them in person.

He introduced you to a few of the fraternity members, who were all on the volleyball team. Then it was time to let loose a little bit.

You followed him around the party, meeting new people and seeing some familiar faces, from the coffee shop, classes, or just in general around campus. You bobbed to the music next to his side, sipping the drink you had occasionally.

You meandered to the pool area outside, which looked like it would sit behind a mansion. You wondered how a fraternity could manage to get such a nice pool. You'd have to ask about it later.

You were now brought into Terushima's conversation, being introduced to some of his team and fraternity members. You dodged people running or simply passing by as the pool took up much of the outside area, there wasn't much walking room.

The night mostly continued as such until Terushima had made his way to a patio chair next to the pool, sitting down. You did the same on the one across from him. They sat quite close to the edge. You would have to see if you could come over and work on your tan a bit.

"Having a fun time so far?" he asked. You nodded, taking another sip of your drink, gazing around the back patio.

"This is a nice house! Most of the fraternity houses are pretty nice, but you guys keep this one pretty clean." you responded. He chuckled at the comment, taking a swig of his own drink. You had to admit, this was a pretty fun party.

"Wanna dip your feet in the pool? It should feel pretty nice after sitting in the sun all day." he asked. You nodded and moved to follow him to the pool. The lights inside orbed rainbow colors as it was now night time. This house just got cooler and cooler the more you noticed of it.

You both stepped towards the edge of the pool, getting ready to sit and remove your shoes, but before your feet could touch the water, you felt a hard push from behind. Your eyes widened and you let out a surprised screech, reaching out to Terushima and trying to grab ahold of him, but to no avail, he was headed towards the water as fast as you were.

You didn't even have time to remove your phone and other things from you pockets before you hit the water with a large splash. Water rushed into your nose and mouth as you inhaled trying to shout about your phone. You were fully submerged. Your make up, your electronics, your clothes, your shoes.

You felt two strong arms envelope you and you were suddenly breaking the surface of the water, coughing once oxygen hit your lungs. You felt yourself being lugged quickly to the edge of the pool as you rubbed at your eyes to try and catch a glimpse of the person who knocked you in.

Terushima lifted you out of the pool to sit on the edge. You continued to cough, finally able to breathe normally. You weren't under long thanks to him. Once you could see, you caught a glimpse of his irritated expression as he scanned the crowd of staring people.

"Who knocked us in? Who was running along the edge?" he asked. The crowd was silent. No one spoke up. But the wide eyes of the girl a couple feet away gave you your answer and your eyes met her own. She had quite the grip on this boy's hand that seemed to be pulling her along. She didn't knock you in, he did.

"It's not a big deal. I'm sure it was just an accident. A little water doesn't hurt!" you said, touching his shoulder gingerly. His eyes met yours and after a few seconds of what seemed like contemplation, he pushed himself out of the pool to rest on the edge next to you. After a minute, things seemed to turn back to normal.

"Hey, can you go grab us some towels?" he asked one of the pledges. The boy nodded and did as he was told. After a couple of minutes, the boy returned with two fluffy, olive green towels. You took one and thanked the boy, wiping yourself off and blotting at your face to maybe salvage whatever makeup had survived.

You kinda laughed about the situation.

"What?" Terushima asked, a smirk settling across his own face.

Your laugh deepened.

"Nothing, it's just kinda funny. You went all Mr. Serious-pants." you said in a silly voice. That got a hearty chuckle out of him.

"Here. Let's dry off and go get some new drinks." he said. You nodded and he stood up, offering his hand to help you. You took it and finished drying off.

You followed him to the same kitchen you had left your drinks before and he grabbed one out of the box you had brought, the same flavor you had been drinking on before. You thanked him.

You returned to the same spot next to the pool, sitting carefully this time. You continued to talk until the party died down, many people leaving as it was now the very early hours of the morning. You had stopped drinking not long ago as to walk home. You were pretty much dry now.

"Well, class tomorrow doesn't seem as great as our conversation, but we do still have to go. Need a ride?" he asked. You shook your head.

"It's okay. I can just walk. It isn't too far." you responded, standing up and wiping yourself off. He shook his head.

"Nope. I'm not letting you walk this late. Put your shoe son and follow me." he said. You nodded and kind of shrugged your shoulders. It was nice to not have to walk and maybe continue your conversation. Once your shoes were on, you did as he said, following him up the stairs and into what seemed to be his room.

You took note of the musky woodsy smell of the candle lit on the desk in the corner. Plants, books, coordination. It actually looked quite neat and put together in his room. The bed was made, no mess on the floor. You were even more impressed.

"Nice room." you said, leaning on the doorframe as he made his way to a bag hooked onto his desk chair and he fumbled through it, a pair of keys emerging from it.

"Thanks! I like it. I think it's the best room in the house. It's the biggest too." he responded. He blew the candle out and shut the light off. You followed him out and he closed the door, and you trekked downstairs.

He unlocked the door to his car, opening the passenger side and you got in. He jogged around the front, getting in and buckling himself in.

"Seatbelt." he said. You put it on and he started the engine up. He did the thing. Where he puts his hand around to your seat in order to reverse. You liked that thing. A lot. You smiled at the gesture as he began to drive forwards.

You continued your earlier conversation, occasionally peppering directions into the mix. It was about a four minute drive. He parked next to your car, which you chose not to drive because the afternoon was nice.

"Well. The night ends here I guess." he said. You nodded your head in silence.

"I realized I never got your number." he said, shuffling on his phone and handing you it, an empty contacts page pulled up. You typed your information in and handed the phone back to him. He smiled and locked it, setting the phone in his lap. You didn't really know what to do. You had such a fun time with him and didn't want it to necessarily end yet.

Soft fingers pulled you out of your trance, grazing your cheek and lightly pushing your face to his direction. He looked into your eyes and you just knew it was an invitation to kiss him. And you took it.

It didn't go much farther than that, but you laughed with each other and got out of the car, closing the door and walking over to his open window. You pecked his lips one more time, walking to the sidewalk in front of your door and waving at him.

"Let's do this again!" he shouted, waving. You nodded.

"Of course we will!" you responded. You waved again as he backed away, typing your code into your door. You put your things away and changed into pajamas, making a quick snack.

You picked your phone off of your couch and opened it, an unknown number popping up.

'Coffee tomorrow morning before class. 7:30. It's on me sweetness.' it read. You chuckled and responded.

'Better remember my favorite.'

[tmmyhug]

i wanna get into working out or at least stretching or something but if i don't see results right Now i will not do it again :( i wanna become magically strong and have more stamina

anyway that leads to a question for you, as a fellow adhder. how did you start and manage to mantain working out?

ITS ONLY BEEN A FEW WEEKS DONT JINX ME i havent maintained crap yet... (if anything the reason im able to go so far is bc of leftover muscle from hiking everywhere in france this summer). but as someone whos been trying to start working out for 2+ years now this is how i finally got started:

first u gotta break it down into itty bitty little steps. decide what youre going to do. your brain will never get you in motion if all you know is that you need to do this nebulous thing called "working out." is it cardio? stretching? strength training? pilates? for me i decided on 40 minutes of running + 20 minutes of cooldown stretching. its ok if you're unsure bc this can always change later ofc.

next figure out Where u can do this and how to get the resources. do you have space at home? do you need a to go to a local gym for certain equipment? do you need weights? youtube video guidance? a yoga mat? workout clothes? etc. list all of this down very deliberately. even if it feels obvious! it helps frame it to yourself as if you are just considering it. ie. if I was going to work out, how would i do it? not. i am Going To Work Out and Therefore I Need This Stuff Immediately. that will just overwhelm you.

this will give you a roadmap to sidestep all the little places we get Stuck when we're trying to do something. for example, i've had moments in the past where i was suddenly struck by motivation and decided to go workout immediately, but then my dri-fit shirts were all in the laundry and i didn't want to wear anything else to get sweaty, so I just. stalled and never ended up going. but this way, I knew beforehand to keep my dri-fit shirts aside, so they were ready when I wanted them. prepping helps get these obstacles out of your way before you start trying.

routine. routine routine routine!!! i am slowly learning that the magic of Getting Stuff Done is like 10% actual motivation and 90% just making it a regular habit. plan this into your schedule like it's rocket science. for example, mine looks like this. 12:00 PM: get out of class 12 - 12:30 go home 12:30 - 1 eat lunch (pre-prepped, because Food Is Hard) 1 - 1:30 scheduled zoom meeting 1:30 - 2 change into workout clothes and go to the gym 2 - 2:40 treadmill workout 2:40 - 3 stretching 3 - 3:30 go home 3:30 - 4 shower this won't always happen beat for beat, but that doesn't matter. it just needs to be a guideline that makes it feel doable.

make sure you put the workout at a time where you'll actually feel up to doing it. you can say you want to get up at 6AM and go workout all you want but when the time comes if you just lay in bed it won't happen. be realistic about what you can accomplish or you'll just beat yourself up over not doing it.

go easy on yourself. there are no deadlines for this and if you push too hard too fast you'll burn out or injure yourself and it'll be even harder to get back into it. make your goals as small as they need to be! 10 minutes of stretching is way more approachable than a full hour of working out, so if that's where you start, that's totally fine! i started with a five minute ab workout video like. once a week. the most important part is doing just what you can rather than what you want to but can't.

ending here before i get too preachy. i sound exactly like my adhd coach gdi. but this is what seems to work for me!! i hope it helps you <33 also if anyone has tips they want to add feel free!

[momo-de-avis]

I'm getting ready to get a cat for the first time. What is your best advice for those first weeks?

To quote jackson galaxy, catify your home

Get the cat at least one high place to be in (that can be a tree or it can be one of those wall mounted beds), a place where they cat watch out the window, a bed for the cat which will be promptly ignore but the cat will know that is his bed, and of course, a cat tree!! But remember something: cats can either love high places or low places. For example, Evie hates climbing, Cacau loves being as high as possible. This is going to be a hit or miss. You can just get a cat tree with a high bed and then a lower one and aee how your cat gets used to it, and if that works, no need to get anything else in the future. But again, you have to get to know the cat's personality first

Also, toys. Make sure you build a routine from the start that works with you and the cat. Feed the cat every day at the same hours. If you want to avoid having the cat screaming at 6AM for food,before bedtime, play with your cat about 15 minutes a day and immediately after that feed him. If you can, make sure the house is as dark as possible cause the smallest hint of sunshine in the morning will get the cat going

Don't worry about fancy toys either. I find it necessary to have two types: something they can play with by themselves, and something you have to be involved. The latter one is just something on a string. You can just get a piece of long plastic and the cat will have the time of his life. If the cat is young (younger than 9 months to a year) don't bother with catnip yet cause it likely won't have an effect on him.

Get a water fountain. It's a life saver. Cats tends to not drink and play with still water instead. A fountain makes them more interested in drinking the water. Place it in a busy area where you are present at frequently or with high transit

Get a litter box stat, cause that's number one priority. My advice don't get a closed one, that's something more for us than the cats, and they might have problems using it. With the type of litter, I can give you all the advice in the world but its better to start with something cheaper and go from there cause cats decide what's best for them. So don't waste a lot of money in the beginning cause the cat will be trying it out. I try to stay away from scented litter and silica tho. But that's me

You'll soon realise you're going to need several beds. Don't worry about fancy beds cause cats don't give a shit. Do you have boxes? Cause the stereotype is true. Spread these across the house but especially put them in rooms where you and everyone in the home spends more time in. Cats are social and constantly want to be near you.

Get a blanket for now, and a carrier. Put the blanket in the carrier. When you get the cat, he's going to probably hate the carrier, but let the blanket get soaked in his scent. Scent soakers are important for the cat to feel like this is his home. Then if you can, leave the carrier open somewhere in the house so he can use it as a bed. That way he won't be terrified as much when you need to take him to the vet

Also extremely important is scratchers. You'll be getting to know the cat at first, and it's going to be a hit or miss with scratchers. Some cats like low horizontal scratchers, some like to scratch their nails standing up. There's some very cheap horizontal scratchers that are made of cardboard that you can use to try and figure out if your cat likes it (Evie NEVER liked those scratchers, cacau immediately used them. Now that Cacau uses them, suddenly Evie likes them too... Go figure)

Cat trees already have scratchers so that assures you you have a standing scratcher

Don't worry so much about the food. Balance the cat's diet between wet and dry food cause cats ate stubborn and don't hydrate enough so they NEED wet food. But this is something you will learn along the way. Your cat might need a fully wet food diet or he can drink water easily. My cats drink a ton of water so we feed them one wet food meal a day plus two much smaller dry food ones. Just don't get the cheapest E brand in continente meal (idk if you're portuguese but hey) cause that one isn't good. But there's no need for now to get an exclusive brand bc you don't know yet what your cat likes. Also after the cat is spayed you will have to change so this will be something that changes over time

One thing jackson galaxy suggests which I highly agree with is over time, change the wet food. Feed the cat different flavours and brands because if the cat gets used to one brand only, and something happens to you and he needs a new home or to go to a shelter, he might refuse any other food and that can lead to serious problems down the way. Remember that cats cannot be without food for more than three days, after three days they start developing liver problems

Love your cat!!!!! Enjoy your new companion, get ready to have some broken mugs, and the cat will soon let you know--hey, this is MY HOUSE, now!!! And you won't have it any other way!!!!

[bathoarchives]

Base Gala: A Conversation With The Artists

On the 3rd of August, OKWC held their first edition of the Base Gala, an art gallery and music event, this is one of the events they have organized to push music arts and culture. In this conversation, we talked to all the artists who were a part of this event about their beginnings as artists, their work and much more.

SAIGOTHEEDITOR

You’ve been documenting/photographing many artists in the newer generation, how important is this to you?

Its important that the world knows whats going on in Botswana the youts are on a very beautiful but tough journey in all their different fields and i feel like its my duty to document the journey.

When was the first time someone reached out for you to work with them?

2021, my boy Setso owns a clothing brand called Groovy and he is actually the first person to give me a cheque for my photography, its something iam forever going to be grateful for.

Which music video is the first one you’ve shot, and how was the experience of shooting it?

I would say the first music video i did was the "De Beers" music video for Ascension Plea's. I directed and shot it alongside Dreamhills studios and the experience was really dope. We started production at 6am and shot everything in one take,it took us 3 tries to nail but in the end i guess it was worth it, shout out to the boys.

Who is your favourite photographer?

My top 2 rn are Septembrrline and HMD

What do you use to shoot your work, and what do you prefer to use more?

For pictures, i like shooting with the Canon 4000D then for videos i prefer the Sony A7iii, but I am a strong believer that it isn't really about the equipment.

How did you get into photography?

Growing up i loved movies, taking pictures and documenting stuff. Mixed that with my love for music, i just knew that my path is here. But starting off i was an artist in junior school (i was a bad rapper ngl) but i wanted my pictures and videos done in a certain way because i realised that the type of vibe that was in Botswana at the time didnt really match up with what i wanted, so i decided to start taking pictures for myself, so in me falling deep into watching music videos getting exposed to indie artists and photographers, it sparked the love i had for photography as a kid and here we are now.

DJGETSYOUWETTER

’djgetsyouwetter’’ how did you come up with your dj name?

Partynextdoor said “she just changed her twitter to party gets me wetter” and I ran with it by making it my finsta name, ‘kgaliegetsyouwetter.’ By the time I started being a DJ, I guess you could say the “getsyouwetter” became a brand, my alter ego.

What got you into djing and how did you learn?

Always used to get on aux around my friends and We’d joke about me becoming a dj. Then I met a group of friends that pushed me to stop joking and do it. In terms of learning, I’m yet to learn so many things. Right now? I just play music I enjoy.

Are you strictly into djing or do you also produce your own music?

We will have to wait and see.

Which genres do you usually play in your sets?

Amapiano, at the moment.

Describe how you felt during your first-ever set as a DJ?

I don’t know if I can describe it. I cried, on stage and after the performance. If emotional is the word, then it was very that. But the best word would be grateful, for all the love and support from my friends, from people i barely know. Nothing beats love and the energy that emanates from it. Felt loved, it was beautiful.

Who are your favourite producers or DJs?

As far as Amapiano is concerned, Dbn Gogo and Kmat are really up there for me. As women, as producers and DJs. Honourable mentions to Kelvin Momo, Stixx and so many more.

JACK BUDDAH

Have you always known that you wanted to be an artist or is it something you discovered later on?

I’ve always known it, both consciously (in the later stages of my life) and subconsciously (in my earlier years). It’s the only thing that’s ever made me feel alive, well that and sex.

What inspired you to explore multiple artistic disciplines instead of focusing on just one or do you see that as a natural ability?

It’s really not by choice, I just do what my soul resonates with. It just so happens to resonate with a large number of disciplines and if I realize I’m just naturally good at them then hey? Why not.

Are there any particular artists or movements that have influenced your work?

Atlasaaone Molemogi. ATI’s chaos is beautiful, it pushes me to be limitless and be as creative as possible in so many ways man. EMANCIPATE YOURSELF FROM MENTAL SLAVERY is a mantra I live by and will live by till the day I die. Fela Kuti’s artistic approach has also influenced the outspokenness of my work, im a fighter, the descendant of a tribe of Mau Mau warriors, Ashe!

Who is your fashion icon?

Dennis Rodman, the first time I painted my nails I was cosplaying as him for Halloween. I think studying him is the reason why the manner in which I dress seems very outlandish, very ME. I want to be as expressive as possible and no one will stand between me and my true self, Ashe. I think the way I dress is heavily influenced by almost everything I see on a daily basis, The unintentional proportions and natural wear and tear of the overalls on a construction worker, some boots or some that looked good on a stranger passing by. Fashion is beyond the labels and all that, you have to know life before you know fashion. Because what can you express that you don’t know, you know?

You recently did some styling work for thrifty bw at the comfy fashion week, how was the experience and how did that come about?

I was actually called by a stylist by the name of Eileen to assist with styling. I wasn’t exactly sure about how much I was to do but I did way more than I had anticipated, gladly. And I didn’t do bad for my first ever styling gig, also considering I didn’t have too many things to work with and wasn’t aware of what kind of clothing we were to deal with. Shoutout to Eileen because I wouldn’t have been there and met the people I met if it wasn’t for her. But other than that the general experience was amazing, got to interact with fellow models and overall I had fun and that’s that matters. Worked on a video shoot with Ciggaretes and Cocaine right after the show, got close to zero rest, do check the video on his Instagram by the way!!!

A few months ago you introduced us to 7MAG, what do you hope to achieve with it?

It’s more of a concept than an organization or platform. I just want the right people to meet in the right places and make what they’re meant to make. It’s all about the people, I yearn to unite the creative community this side in every way I can and 7MAG is just one of many projects in the works, that’s all I can say for now. Ashe!!!

ST MANTO

What got you into djing and how did you learn?

I started DJing at 9 years old, growing up I always enjoyed watching my Dad DJing and he noticed that I had interest in learning so he taught me and he continues to teach me even after 14 years of being a DJ, I still learn a lot from him, from Vinyl to CDJs, one never stops learning

Which genres do you usually play in your sets?

Amapiano, Afro House(including 3-step) and House music.

Describe how you felt during your first ever set?

I was anxious and uncertain as to how the crowd would respond to Electronic Dance Music, which was what I used to love playing at the time, to my surprise it was well received, despite that I was shaking the entire time.

Who are your favourite producers or djs?

Hardwell, Oliver Heldens, Above and Beyond, MÖRDA, Kabza De Small, Kelvin Momo, MDU aka TRP and Muzi.

Do you play your own remixes during sets or its mostly transition between tracks?

I do play my own production in every single set without fail as well as incorporating other artists tracks, could be a locked tune(unreleased) or released but I mostly prefer playing my unreleased production as well as other artists unreleased production.

PRINCE MARGUSON

Most of your drawings are anime , why is that?

Because I love anime, there's literally no limit or principles to what you can draw. A lot of other art forms hold you back a little, you have to stick to what's real, but with anime/manga whatever your mind can conjure up is real. Also, I'm currently in the process of creating a manga so I'm trying to sharpen my skills.

How did you get into photography and drawing?

I started taking pictures with my phone and putting them on Instagram and tiktok. I had some pretty decent feedback from my audience and since this was something that I loved, I pretty much started honing the skill and nurturing it. I've been a really big fan of anime from a very age. DragonBall Z was one of the first animes I was introduced to. I used to love drawing the characters on the show, eventually i started drawing my own original characters inspired by the anime. I believe that's how I got into drawing.

When was the first time someone reached out for you to work with them?

The first time I was reached out to was when BACKYARD STORIES asked me to shoot for them alongside a couple other great photographers. I was pretty nervous.

Is this your first exhibition?

Yes, this is my first exhibition

Did you specifically create an artwork for this exhibition or are you exhibiting works you've already done?

I did create a specific set of art works I call "every nigga is a star"

Who are your favourite photographers?

Saigo the editor. Gotta be inspired by your peers!

DIGGY

When did you start writing poetry and drawing?

In my teens

What topics do you usually focus on when writing in your poetry?

Love

Is this your first exhibition?

Yes

Would you say its difficult to recite your poems or you don't have a hard time trying to translate the emotions that come with your poems?

Sometimes it’s difficult, sometimes it’s not

did you specifically create an artwork for this exhibition or are you exhibiting works you've already done?

Both

Who are your favourite painters?

Oteng Keabetswe

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #271

I ended up not cooking today. Last night, I stayed up until about 4 in the morning, worried about various things, and writing a lengthy email to the acquaintance I mentioned yesterday in response to those worries. This interaction is not going to work unless I keep my instincts sharp and my boundaries robust.

I've written things before in this Tumblr space about the importance of being kind to everyone, while also recognizing that care must be taken to assert very strong boundaries in response to certain patterns of trauma behavior. I've written before on the notion that kindness without boundaries and the willingness to enforce them and follow through with the consequences is not actually kindness, but is instead enabling as a form of conflict avoidance.

I think a lot of people mistake kindness for weakness because they try to do "kindness" in the absence of boundary skills.

Today, though I went to bed at 4am, I got a phone call from this acquaintance somewhere around 6am, for reasons I don't actually understand. I didn't answer it, because I do not answer my phone except during my normal waking hours, and my normal waking hours are not before 8am on most days. I did end up waking somewhere between 8 and 9am. But that just means I've only got about 5 hours of broken sleep, which is definitely not ideal.

…Oh well.

In between being focused on other persons who were talking to me on and off today, I did a lot of leisure writing in a way that was… long overdue, I think. Once again, it was cathartic and necessary. When it came to be about the time I intended to do dishes and make food, though, I was able to do the dishes. But I didn't have any "oomph" leftover after that to make food. Lame.

Tomorrow, for sure. After I get home from some sleep appointment that's happening at… some time tomorrow... to make sure my CPAP is still doing its job, I guess. But it's doing its job. I've no complaints. I get the final dose of the HPV vaccine sometime after the sleep appointment. So that's pretty rad; having protection against potentially cancer-causing pathogens is always pretty rad!

Ma from work was supposed to pop by; I was supposed to pick him up at around 2pm. But he had something come up at the last minute, so that didn't really pan out. But maybe it's just as well; my brain was a bit too zombied to do much of anything today, and I can't imagine that I would have been very good company.

I guess I'm a little sad about it. I wanted to do so many things today. Ma visit. Dead Cells. Epic noms. Today did not go at all as planned.

...Sometimes it happens that way, though. It's good to be flexible.

J and I did take a brief evening stroll, though, and that was pretty good. I got another picture of our moon for you:

...I've gotten pictures of the moon over the last few days. It's really filling out! Soon, it will be full, and that's pretty cool! I'm still pretty sad about the fact that I can't share the pictures in the Brother Sun book, but... I'm getting pretty good at taking my own pictures. So maybe it's not too sad after all.

...Goodness. I am legit falling asleep as I try to write this. I should probably take the hint from my body and actually go to bed.

...Sephiroth... are you doing okay out there? I'm maybe struggling just a little bit where I am, but... it's not as though I'm stuck underground, unable to see the sky or smell the rain or touch the breeze. I worry about you. I imagine the mako you're suspended in sustains you, but... still... you deserve to eat actual food and to get actual sunlight and breathe actual fresh air.

...Even if your situation is difficult, don't succumb to despair, okay? Because there are people out here who love you and are waiting for you to throw off the shackles of your trauma so that you can rise up into happiness and wholesomeness. Keep trying. Keep your chin up.

I'll give you this one for today; you can replace "little girl" with "little one":

...Don't write yourself off yet, okay? You're not unloved.

I love you. Please stay safe out there, okay? I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine